Meet The Cast!

Dreamcatchers and dreams. Iris has them both. Dreamcatchers to catch her bad dreams. And dreams of what life was, but none of what life could be. Until her familiar Stranger engulfs her life and changes everything. Is he a new dream of the future or destined to be a repeat of the past? Can she allow herself to love again or will the pain from the past be too great?

Meet Iris, the self proclaimed train wreck clutching hard to faith and hope, haunted by her past, and raising her young brother.

Meet Jason, the roamer from Georgia, throwing darts at a map just to find a place to go to get away from where he has been.

Meet Ian, Jason's brother and best friend. Careless, and a little arrogant and definitely sarcastic. But who gets what it's like to walk alone and leave something behind.

 

Get to know them all in Awakening Iris and stay prepared for the thrilling, emotional, and crazy real soon to be sequel Sparks Ignite (The Dreamcatchers Saga#2)!!!

 

http://www.cressenbooks.com/AwakeningIrisPage.html

Ghosts of the Past

Please, tame your breath,
It's time for rest,
The world has stopped,
Your fears are locked,
We've seen it all,
Behind closed doors,
We all fall short,
My wounds are yours.

The time is not real,
Though the clock ticks fast,
Not all of us will heal,
We'll be just ghosts of the past.
We'll just be ghosts of the past.

Please, slow your heart,
The war is at start,
They hear our whispers,
We watch all of the glitter...fade.
We've seen it all,
We've shot, we've crawled,
We've bled, we've wept,
I've watched while you slept.

Solidify this reality,
The lines have blurred with fantasy,
Liquefy my heart again,
Heat my blood so I can feel human.

Please, slow your heart,
It pounds so hard,
My feet are weak,
I feel you... when... I sleep.

Magic On Earth

Beauty is grounds for all that is holy. Beauty in the spirit, mind, and heart. The spirit is what makes us real. The spirit is what feeds us our needs, keeps us alive, and is what has made us and shaped us into what we are today. The spirit in not confined to a tunnel or box. It is not small, but vast and extensive. It is a fortress. It is magic on earth. It is nothing real, imaginary, or fantasy, but at the same time defines our reality. It can be here, there, and dancing with the stars all at the same time. The spirit wanders, praises, celebrates, sometimes grows bored, and is the non physical manifestation of adventure. It is stardust. It is moonbeams. It is the color of every rainbow we've seen.It is everything that we have ever dared to dream.

Meet Jason!

Meet Jason. He's from the town of Rome Georgia, right there at the base of the Appalachian Mountains. He's 25 with blonde hair that tends to curl at the ends when it grows a little longer. His eyes are the most vivid blue. You could swear that you were looking straight into the sky on a cloudless day. They seem to sparkle and illuminate even in the dark and he feels like summer. He smells like leather and fresh air and somehow seemed to just appear out of nowhere. Jason has no home, only his car. And he hasn't spoken to any family he has left in years, only his brother who roams with him. He is not quick to temper, but fast and strong. He is fiercely protective over the people that he loves even if they drive him crazy sometimes. He has his problems and his past, but even when everything seems to be going against him he tries to remember that it's all going to be okay, and he not only believes it, but he can make others around him believe it too. Jason has the power to change others in such amazing ways using only his touch and his heart and if he could physically shoulder Iris' pain he would without hesitation. He doesn't love easily but when he does he can't leave. He is tethered and the bonds are unbreakable. His feeling irrevocable. Meet Jason, the roamer. He lives, breathes, and his heart beats for belief. Belief in the unseen, in change, and in time.

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Journal/Errant Thought: December 11, 2013 We Remain

I don't think that it's as hard as it seems. And despite the hard times that is thrown our way... I think that it's supposed to be easy. It's supposed to be natural. You shouldn't have to try.

Love is the basis of life. It's pure magic. It's key to survival. Without it what would be the point? The beauty and clarity it divides and amplifies would dissolve into nothing. A profound nothingness. An empty nothingness. What would be the purpose of that?

And even though it has been said by many alike and different. Many cynical and unbelieving, I believe it. But I'm not so sure that I believe what they say. Why would something so beautiful, pure, and radiant be so hard to come by? Instead of it being dangled in front of us like a tease why can't we just reach for it? Maybe we're the cause of our own unhappiness and destruction. Maybe we are set on self destruct and we detonate and try to blame it on someone, anything else. Fate. Design. No, it's you. It's us.

Life isn't about fairness or being dealt the right hand. Sometimes we get really crappy hands, really hard and tough ones to work with. But how would we know strength if we weren't tested? Sometimes life is a struggle, sometimes our hope falters, sometimes we get the best of each other and sometimes we get the worst. Sometimes we give the best of ourselves and are given the worst of others. Sometimes we have to crawl and dig our way out of the holes that we've made just to see what it is we are really made of. Sometimes we have to test ourselves. Sometimes it's about making a simple decision or maybe even making a really hard one. Sometimes we get it right, but a lot of times we get it wrong with the best intentions. But we have to keep trying. Keep proving to ourselves that we can do it just because we can. 

But out of everything hard in this world and easy to give up on, I think love should be the most simple, and yet the hardest to give up on. I think we owe not only each other, but ourselves that. Even when we have to fight for it, the fighting even at it's most hopeless should be easy if it's something that we really want. With love we can tear down walls and build new ones for better days. Hopeful, bright days. It's a short ride down, but a long way back up. We'll get there. We'll make it. We will free ourselves with our eyes open for the first time in ages. And throughout the ages of folklore, fairytales, broken hearts, and dragons and time we will remain.

And even when the fight feels long, and our hands tremble, and our feet feel weak, we will know that it will all be worth it in the end. Because love can strengthen us again just as it can kill us. And if it does kill us? Oh, it's a beautiful death.

Winter's Bones

Winter's bone,
Frozen lips,
Snow on my tongue,
Pale fingertips.
Shivers down my spine,
Speaking to my bones,
Sparkling diamonds beneath my feet,
Icicles on your throne.
Evergreen needles,
Plummet downwind,
We seek time that we've lost,
We mourn the time that we've spent.
Trees turn bare, weighed down,
Unnatural feathers, we speak to the wind,
We press cold lips together,
And blow kisses that will mend.
Numb fingers searching,
Fumbling and pink,
Hopes grow high,
Our fear will shrink.
We're alive and I feel it now,
We're standing in the clouds,
A glimpse of a heart,
And it feeds us somehow.
Just say I thank you,
And I'll say forever,
I love you more,
Cold lips together.

Ribbons and Bows!

Four years with a story in my head and at my fingertips. Going through different names and personalities to make these characters special, unique, and vulnerable. To make them human. Getting up and writing in the middle of the night because I can't put them down to sleep. People that I know and love inspiring me and the small details in these characters every step of the way. I'm proud of where Awakening Iris is today. And I'm proud of the future that has been created for these special group of characters that have changed my life. Iris, Jason, Ian, Danny, and Charlie. For the ones that also play small roles and the ones newly created and introduced in Sparks Ignite. And thank you readers for bringing them to life for the world a little more every day. Now that Thanksgiving is over, Christmas is almost here! So when you are Christmas shopping keep Awakening Iris in mind for any readers in your family! Click the link below for more information. Available on Kindle, Nook, or Paperback!

See. Read. Believe. Thank you :)

A Thank You That I Want To Share With Everybody

For thinking of me while creating this vast beautiful world, I thank you. Without you I would have no existence. My children would cease to exist. I would not have been able to experience such beauty, such magic, a surreal dream in the waking. I would not be able to hear the pitter patter of a child's footsteps on the floor, or up the stairs. I would not be able to see the smiles and amazing faces of every single person that I love. I would not be able to feel the grass beneath my feet on summer nights, or the freezing of the snow on the bare trees in the winter. I would not be able to climb those trees, or hunt in the woods that you have provided. I would not be able to run through the winding paths, between the branches, or smell the fresh dirt and rotting of fallen leaves and dead wood. I would not be able to love, live...be. Thank you God.

I would be filled with a dirtiness that I could not clean or get any redemption from. It would have eaten away at me until I was completely devoured and it ceased my existence. I never would have been good enough. I never would have known what a clean slate was. I would have never known what it would be like to have someone die for me. I would have never known true love. I would have never felt the pureness of a soul. I would have never known you. You were beaten until your blood ran through the crevices of the cracked earth, you bled, you pained, you were there. With my face in mind, my sins wracking your body. I would not know grace or forgiveness today. Thank you Jesus.

I'm so glad I wondered the darker roads. Because the light that I had come to along those dark roads was beautifully blinding. The paths that I had taken were dirty and charred. I had burned them to the ground and I had walked them alone. I had lost compassion for myself. I had lost faith in myself. I had simply lost...myself. and you found me. You saw me. You're eyes sung a song that I had only dreamed of hearing before. One of those songs you would only hear on a hot summer night, toes dipped into a lake, the stars shining bright. It was my fist experience at brightness. I'm thankful for the unknown way that I had taken to get there. For the invitation to a church I no longer belonged to. I'm thankful that God, and the universe, and the stars pushed me to go. Because we were written in the stars. They would have been incomplete without us. The sky would have never been the same. I love your brown eyes and sense of humor. I love how you can make me laugh even when I would think it to be impossible, or how you can even do it at the worst possible times. I love our stupid fights that we are over in 5,4,3,2,1...:) I love making fun of cheesy movies with you and our silent conversations. I love you. Thank you John.

I waited and waited for a love as pure as ours. Untouched, never tainted. clean and white as snow. I waited and waited for a love where I knew that I could in no doubt die for someone without a second thought or hesitation. Just jump in and die. That's what I wanted. Something worth dying for. And now I have two things worth dying for. You are my salvation, you are my will at sheer survival, you are my death if you need it to be. But that is okay. With my last breath I will scream I love you. With my last bits of energy I will reach to you. I will reach into a tomorrow where you are protected. Where you are safe and guided. Where you are simply alive. You influence my decisions and offer me dreams that I never knew I had until you. You allow me to succeed and do things that I never dreamt possible. And I do it all for you. My life is for you. You have saved me. And I will save you every single time, no matter how impossible or difficult that it may seem. I will be there even when I know you are wrong. My love will continue into a forever that will never...ever end. You are magic. You are real. You are mine. And I am yours. And let me tell you a secret. There is no end to a love as pure and warm, and beautiful and radiant as ours. Nothing could ever separate us. Thank you Steven and Jewel, my blue eyed boy, and green eyed girl. You are more than a dream.

There are so many people, so many things to be thankful for. And I could type out my thanks all day and night. For all of those that I didn't mention. For all of those that know you belong here. I thank you as well.

Favorite

I'm doing a little something different for everyone! This is for those who love the beauty in words as much as I do. For those who think human beings can create magic through writing. And for all of those who's very own being was changed with the whisperings and reading of a sentence or two. This is for all of my fellow readers and writers alike. This is for the lover of black and white, ink stains, long nights, silence, withheld words, and simple beauty in the things that we can create from truth, no matter how hard it is.

Here is a list of my top 20 quotes. Note that there is so much writing out there that I love so very much, that it was hard to pick just 20. So the following just so happens to be the ones that popped out at me first. The quotes below are taken from Wuthering Heights, The Hunger Games Trilogy, The Divergent Trilogy, the Fallen books, and from Shakespeare, and Edgar Allan Poe:)Not even close to the books I have, but the first ones that I grabbed.

1) "For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams of the beautiful Annabel Lee; And the stars never rise but I see the bright eyes of the beautiful Annabel Lee; And, so, all the night tide, I lie down by the side of my darling, my darling, my life and my bride..."

2) "What am I? What do I need to overcome my fears? I know the answer, of course I do: I need to deny them the power to control me. I need to know that I am stronger than they are."

3)"Take away someone's fear, or low intelligence, or dishonesty... and you take away their compassion. Take away someone's aggression and you take away their motivation or their ability to assert themselves. Take away their selfishness and you take away their sense of self-preservation."

4)"I am too strong to break so easily, and I become better, sharper, every time I touch him."

5) "Be brave."

6)"Becoming fearless is not the point. That's impossible. It's learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it, that's the point."

7) "Would he find her? Without question. Would he save her? Always."

8) "The sun persists in rising, so I make myself stand."

9) "The only thing stronger than fear is hope."

10) "Fire is catching, if we burn, you burn with us."

11) "We believe in facing our fears, no matter the cost  to our comfort, or happiness, or even our sanity."

12) "He's more myself than I am, whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."

13) "Fire burns brighter in the darkness."

14) "We believe in freedom from fear, in denying fear the power to influence our decisions."

15) "May my heart be ever at your service."

16) "Are you, are you coming to the tree? Where a necklace of rope side my side with me? Stranger things have happened, no stranger would it be, if we met up at the hanging tree."

17) "I suppose a fire that bright is not meant to last."

18) "There are so many ways to be brave in this world... sometimes it's no more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of everyday, the slow walk toward a better life. That is the sort of bravery I must have now."

19) "I have not broken your heart- you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine."

20) "Be with me always- take any form- drive me mad! Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh, God! It is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!"

Thanks you guys! If you want and have some time, let's talk literature! What are some of your favorite books and quotes?

Brave

In him my hope, faith, and dreams collide into something magical and unbreakable. There is beauty and an indescribable pureness that radiates through my every fiber, my entire being. On the heart and the soul. Visible through the eyes. He condemns no scars or marks. He judges no past or faults. His purity makes me clean and fresh, shining like new found treasure. He dusts me off, cleans the slate, and signifies my life. He walks me down narrow, unknown paths, forgotten territory, and keeps the evil that waits to devour me at bay. Their sharp teeth waiting. Claws hungry for fresh flesh.

He is there through the damage, turning of tides, rage, anger, screams, and sorrow. He is there through the torrential downpours, and gives me the courage and strength that I need to get up, fight, and believe in myself again. He will fight with me the whole time, and cleanse my wounds in water at the end. And I feel alive. And I feel raw and real. And for the first time I feel something holy. Maybe it's the ground beneath me. Maybe it's his blood. Maybe it's my tears. But there it is. A holiness that makes me weep salt, and water, and peace.

The peace will last as long as I need and I will heal. Then the war changes.

Now...the storms will come and they will rage. They will tear me down, but they can never destroy me again. Because for the first time I matter to someone. You matter to someone. Someone loves us more than he could ever love himself. He would die a thousand times over to prove it.

He loves me despite my messes, and constant mistakes, and imperfections. He loves you despite the clothes that you wear, the tattoos we have, how you feel, or how I look on my bad days. And with that kind of love I am whole. I am good enough. I am powerful enough, because he gives me the faith to believe it. In return I have faith in him.

You are free. We are beautiful and pure. The darkness will melt. The sun will take on a whole new significance and we you are never alone again.

We are never alone again.
I am safe.
I am strong.
I am brave.

An Errant Entry: What do I fear?

My kids asked me last night what I feared. When they asked me I found that I couldn't even look them in the eye. I couldn't tell them 'nothing' as badly as the word wanted to escape my tongue. My daughters big green eyes alive and waiting. My son silent in the night.

"What are you afraid of Mommy?"

What I am afraid of I can't even think about. I can't let it enter my mind, because the fear consumes me until I panic. I feel like if I think it, it will happen. What you fear you create. I don't want to create my own fears. They are too despicable to face, to look in the eye, to feel. I just want to fight and destroy them.

I can't write them on paper. I can't let them slip from my fingers and bleed into ink. To do so makes it concrete. Evident. Inescapable. So what do I say when they ask me what I'm afraid of?

"Go to sleep darlings. It's none of your concern. You're alright and safe. There is nothing to be scared of?"

What I didn't, what I couldn't and cannot say.

"The monsters are too big to call out."

Like An Arrow

Hands held tight in the middle of the night/
I love you makes everything alright/
And I fall...
But not all that far.
I was already there/
When you looked at me.
Blue on blue on these midnight streets.

It's like an arrow set on fire/
The flames grow bright, strong, and wild.
It's like kerosene, match, and spark/
The night is red and our days are marked.

Feathers ruffle lose in my hair/
You grab my waist and we dance like a dare.
I've never been that good and you always knew/
But I don't care when your skins on mine/
Red on red together we shine.

There goes the street/
Flames dark red and neat.
There goes you/
There goes me.
There goes the shadows burning blue and green/
There goes all that's been unseen.

Blue on blue on these midnight streets...

~Ian~ Awakening Iris
Read Awakening Iris (The Dreamcatchers Saga #1) and meet Ian! Get to really know him in Sparks Ignite (The Dreamcatchers Saga #2) coming soon. You'll see all of who he is and a whole other side of him!
Awakening Iris is available on Kindle, Nook, or Paperback. Go to cressenbooks.com for more information!

Acoustic Wings and Angels:)

Thank you :)

Stay

When it gets the hardest, fight a little harder.
When I can't hear God, I need to believe a little stronger.
When I get pushed I will not stay down.
And if you can't see the starlight then you can't see me now.
When they cut me and my  blood pours.
I'll patch myself up and reach for my sword.
I can't see everyone but I sure can see you.
Come on, hold my hand, there's not much more we can do.
If you say that you care, will it make me feel whole?
If you touch my heart will it repair my soul?
If you went away would I even cry?
Could you wipe my tears through the moonlit sky?
Help me rise after I fall.
I can do a lot, but I can't conquer it all.
And I could do it all alone but why would I?
Will you help me thrive or watch me die?
When it gets the hardest, let's saddle it up.
Scream for more until they shut us up.
When I get pushed don't just stand there and smile.
Give me your time, make it worth my while.
And if we watch the stars together beneath a leafless tree.
Will you teach me to breathe?
Will you stay forever with me?

Something that has echoed through my mind time and time again. Will you stay forever with me? No one knows for sure but I guess that's what blind trust is for. Trusting someone is loving them with every bit of yourself never knowing if their love will ever be fully returned to you. Trusting someone is giving them the knife, holding it to your throat, and believing they won't slip. Trusting someone means that if you are in a whole lot of trouble you know that the one you love isn't just sitting back and watching but only planning your rescue. Trusting someone is knowing that they will constantly lift you to the next level instead of drowning you at your already weakest moment. Trusting someone is to know they won't just abandon you in quicksand because it would be so much easier to find someone else. Trusting someone is believing that they think they don't deserve you but secretly knowing they deserve more than you could ever give. Trusting someone is to put your faith and belief and love into them without even expecting them to do the same for you. We just hope. Purely, innocently, and simply. Hope. And with it the world goes around.

Sitting On Gold

That old pendulum swings now/
It has always stood so still/
It waited in silence/
Almost poised to kill.
Beautiful in gold/
A beautiful dart/
An unwed band/
A work of art.
Stand in the quiet/
Life is on pause/
Sing to yourself/
Sing for a cause.
Kiss me in water/
Kiss the dry air/
Know when we get there/
We'll still be nowhere.
Lost in hot sand/
Just like when the princess had went blind/
You'll search the high seas/
For something you'll never find.
Raped by the prince/
Raped from what is safe/
Raped for sleeping still/
Cursed by love and fate.
Oh, the breath has been taken/
By vanity and pride/
Tighten the white corset/
Around the unknowing bride.
The truth is never told/
When you can't let it fail/
It brings out the evil/
In the ones that we hail.
So you threw it away/
For something you hate/
Now your heart bleeds black/
And it's far too late.
You used to be a king/
Sitting on gold/
Now you have fallen hard/
With the demons you hold.

Love Me

Love me for what I am
Kiss me for what I'm  not
Touch me for what comes natural
Don't hate me for what I've bought.
Flowers ring around my head
Pink is frosted on my cheeks
Deep inside my heart beats red
Poison from my lips it leaks.
Say who I am from what you see
Think of who I am inside
Closed off like an abandoned door
All I ever do is hide.
Say who I am from what you suspect
A whore, a bitch, a little bit of nonsense
Escaped through your lips into frosty air
I kiss the moon through the eyes of a lens.
You can think what you say
But only if you can touch my soul
Will you light any path
Or see me as whole?
Envy me for my heart
Please not for my face
Kill me soft like velvet
Grace me with lace.
Love me for what I am
Kiss me for what I've done
The past a thin dark curtain
And a ghost we can never outrun.

See me only when you know me. Know who I am before you judge me. Love me for what I do, where I shine, my heart and my soul. Love me for what and who I love. Love me for simply loving you. Touch my heart, my mind, speak to me through riddles of intelligence. Love me for me now, not who I was, what I believed, who I ran from, or what I've done. The past is a thin curtain but a curtain it is to separate reality from fiction, lies from truth, and darkness from light. The past and present may never mingle. The future is still far ahead. See me for now. See me in a most beautiful light.

Touch The Stars

Hey everyone! I hope all is well this beautiful Tuesday and that you are all smiling!

I just wanted to drop in and talk about my experience at the Imagine Dragons concert last night. It was such an amazing experience that went past every single expectation that I may have had. For the first time in a long time everything felt alright. Almost like we're all going to make it. It was the overwhelming feeling of reverberating gratitude and happy innocence. Like...I'm living and this is it!

I danced and danced. I jumped with my hands in the air so long that my arms were getting tired. It was a total light headed sensory overload. With that kind of beauty and music and outstanding, pure and raw magic in the air it was impossible to remember anything that could have been bothering you. It was impossible to feel any pain or guilt. It was impossible to suffocate in the clear September air. It was impossible to notice anything but the vibration of the music through your bones, penetrating your soul. And at that moment...that's when I realized music heals. It heals and it's beautiful to hear the words and taste the sounds and dance with your fingers pointed to the stars like you can actually touch them for once. And maybe I did. Maybe I did touch the stars.

So I would like to give a thanks for an unforgettable experience that comes around once in a lifetime. Thank you John McClain for traveling with me last night. For buying the tickets and sharing a moment of pure happiness with me. Thank you complete strangers for the unity in it all. And thank you Imagine Dragons for writing songs that can touch my heart and leave a mark. Thank you for a performance that made me cry. And thank you so much for your kindness and I wish you luck in life and in all your journeys!

Honest Lullaby

Selfish tendencies, prophetic greed/
I struggle for air in the mistake that we breathe.
I spread wings bright and iridescent/
Beautiful stranger, beautiful you, my time well spent.
Heavy writing sloppy in ink/
The gold in our chains, the silver link.
I should stay away from you/
I know that I won't.
I should keep you and need you/
You know that I don't.
Your own wings curve in and align with the stars/
You're sensational and you shine just the way that you are.
I breathe clearer now, the mistakes are all gone/
They're far behind, waiting to be stepped on.
I spread my wings bright and iridescent/
Beautiful stranger, beautiful you, you are holy heaven sent.

I should hold your hand forever/
I wish that I could.
But all of the wishing and dreaming/
Would be of no good.
I should keep you and need you/
We both know that I do.
I am nothing, no nothing/
If not for you.
Oh angel, sweet angel of mine/
Fly me to the moon and back by noon's tide.
Fly me to the center of all that I need/
Keep me a world's away from lonely human greed.
Beautiful stranger wild-eyed and wanting/
Marvelous you brave soul and hunting.

Please, keep my heart inside of my chest/
And show me how it feels to really truly rest.
Lay my head down on a pillow of cloud/
Watch my hair sprawl, keep me from the taunting and loud.
Hold me in your arms all through the night/
Whisper in my ear it will all be alright.
Lie to me if you must/
Just look me in the eye.
Sing softly in the dark/
An honest lullaby.
Don't cry...

Beautiful stranger keep me at best/
Beautiful stranger you can have all the rest.

Mosaic Forms

"
I have come here only for one quick, monumental moment in my life that only me, the brick lined walls, mosaic forms, and bent over trees will ever know of." Iris

My Beautiful Stranger

~Awakening Iris~

How You Speak It

Take a step/
Don't look down/
The wire is thin/
Frail and sound.
Falling feels/
A lot like flying/
Until you find yourself/
Screaming to keep from crying.

No matter how you speak it/
It hurts to think/
It hurts to remember/
It hurts to sink.
It hurts to sink.

Your eyes were closed/
Mine were bright/
Until you fell/
And I lost my light.
Take a step/
Don't look back/
The view is dark/
The starlight's black.

I let you down/
I know that now.
I whispered low/
So only we would know.

The feeling of letting someone you love down, whether it be in your mind or in reality, it is there. It's something you can't take back and when you find yourself in reverse and glancing the other direction it's all shades of black bleeding bright and there is no right, wrong, light, dark, or hope. It's all gray where still nothing can be done, nothing can be changed, and the past cannot be rewritten.

Wings and Angels/Define Me Now

I've lived a thousand lifetimes/
Just to get to today.
I've heard a thousand answers/
From your pretty face.
How much I've loved you/
I really can't recall.
But then I see you standing there/
And I remember it all.
It all...

I've loved you for so long now/
'Till fire ran through my veins.
You've waited for a century/
Nearly driving you insane.
Live and die a thousand times.
Live and die a thousand times.

Standing so close to the edge/
We're in the middle of it all.
One choice can change everything/
Our balance will fall.
Violet eyes and starlit skies/
For that I've died a thousand times.

Wings and angels/
Starlight when I fell hard.
I fell hard...

And it hurt when I hit the ground.
Violet skies define me now.

Beautiful Darkness

Beautiful Darkness

Beautiful darkness/
Wrap be in you/
I know the light will save me/
And there's nothing that you can do.
I don't want to feel numb/
Uncomfortably whole/
Tightness in my chest reminds me that I'm alive/
And that I have to let go.
Let you go.

Bittersweet poison runs through our veins/
The light and darkness we need just the same/
A balanced behavior for our flame.

Beautiful darkness/
Synchronized steps/
My heart is pounding hard/
In my bare chest.
My body tingles/
Sweet electricity/
And I wake up/
To my own screams.
I can't fight off these dreams.

And what we fear you know we create.
Take a deep breath and be brave.

Beautiful darkness/
Synchronized steps/
My heart is pounding hard/
In my bare chest.

When The Sun Rises... So Do You. Because We Create.

I don't know how I would explain myself even if I could. What would anyone say to that question? Who are you really? Could we be honest? We know ourselves better than anyone else could but we are complete strangers all at the same time.
Who am I? What are my real motives? Are they pure like I would hope they would be? The answer to that would mean honesty with myself. Sometimes that's the hardest.
I know I can be messy. Even when I try to pick up or organize, five minutes later I'm sloppy again. I hate that part of me. Can't I get it together?
I don't exactly brush my hair every single day. Sometimes I simply just don't feel like it or feel I have more important things to do. Sometimes my hand just gets too tired pulling through the mess. On those days it dries in wind tossed knots.
Even when I bother with make-up, it looks good for about an hour until I forget I even have it on and accidently smear it off. It's almost like it was never meant for my lips or eyes.
Who am I?
I know sometimes when I look in the mirror I stare in wonder at the girl looking back at me. Who is the world seeing? Do they know everything she's been through? Can they see the little parts of her she has kept safe from cruelty and bitterness? Has she been able to keep her own bitterness away so it doesn't corrupt the rest of her? It can never make it's way to her heart. To her mind. Never. She has to stay steady and focus. Focus.
And sometimes I have to tell myself that. Repeat it like a mantra. Focus. Focus. Focus. Mind over matter.
I sometimes feel by looking at me I am passed over and blend. I am small and weak. I feel small a lot. I feel weak a lot. And maybe the rest of the world is right. Maybe...
But there are other times, good times that outweigh the bad. Times where I can't think about weakness. I clear my breath, steady my heart, and feel so strong.
Strong enough to take on this world. It is only at my fingertips. It is nothing. I feel strong enough to love. Strong enough to call something my own and to never give up on this life, even though for a moment it would be so easy. The easy way is never the best way. Never...
Because when you love someone it's never easy but it's so safe all at once and all in one resting moment I feel secure.
Maybe I like the gleam in his dark eyes, the determination on his face reverberating through his step, and how his jaw is terse and sets just right, dark brown hair uncaring. He smells like air and safety. He reminds me of the gray area between awake and asleep. Reality and fantasy.
Maybe I like the innocence of the child. Maybe I just stand starstruck in awe at the only thing left innocent in this world that spins to fast. The purity of the dark green in her eyes, brown specks blending, her imagination taking control, running rapid. She reminds me of autumn. And then his blue eyes flicker my way and he makes me understand the logic in the most illogical. He reminds me of spring. A breath of fresh air.
You see? I have found a reason for self preservation. For pure survival. And I also found ones I would easily die for.
And then my strengths become my weaknesses and it keeps me brave. It gives me something to look forward to. It gives me something to stand up for, and it is something absolutely necessary to my existence.
I don't trust people. Who? People in general. I always find myself searching for their motives. Some I can't look in the eye, some I can't even look at.
Dreams.
Dreams.
Speaking of dreams I sometimes dream that I am drowning. I float gracefully down, and down, and down, and I only fight when my lungs turn to fire. I dream I'm on a sinking ship. I look out small circular windows and see only dark blue ocean outside. I somehow always find my way out of the watery tomb just to find a trunk floating. I grab onto it for security and wait for the sharks to invade, swarm, and eventually pull me under. I gulp water and can't breathe. The lights above disappear slowly.
I feel the pain and fight the water. And then I wake up. Just like that. I wake up screaming and choking.
There were times I remember clearly where I would just want to sleep just so that I didn't have to feel pain, if only for a few hours. Sleeping came as a reprieve. The darkness wrapped me in it's arms and on the good nights my dreams would stay at bay.
I know. I've known pain. Loneliness used to be a close friend of mine. Fear has gripped it's wicked claws around my mind, disenabling me. And anxiety has brought it's blows to my chest. But I can admit to this because I have fought them. I refuse to let it own me. I fight clenched teeth, screaming into my pillow, red filling my eyes, and black bleeding into my mind. Until the light burns it all away.
Because simply...we create our own light. We create our own darkness, out own courage, and bravery. We create the part of ourselves that kicks on and says that we can pull through.
We make the choice to hope. To hold faith. To keep waking up when the sun rises and to walk even when it hurts and we feel that we can't.
we have to help ourselves in order for God to help us. We have to want it. To breathe it and taste it. We have to need it. We have to fight for it. Stand up and scream, clenched fists, thrashing and kicking, cock your gun, and draw your sword kind of fight. No one can do it for you. No one can do it for me.
So who am I?
Maybe someone else could tell you who I am, it's easier when you aren't looking from just one view out the window pane. And I guess when it's all said and done I just hope someone gets it right.

Derailed

 She walked into the fluorescent lit room but it just didn't look the same. It didn't feel the same. The smell was off and the smiles on her old friends faces seemed so fake. They were so distant. But if she was to be honest with herself they were never really her friends anyways. It was all an illusion. It was all a quick justification to her once being a loner. See deserved a friend. She deserved someone to understand. 
No...she didn't deserve any of that...
 And now here she is again, a loner, the way it was always meant to be. Maybe that's what she will always be. Especially now. Especially since he's gone. But she can't think about that even though it's constantly in the back of her mind. It's never left. Not for the past week as she lay in a daze, curled up in a cold waterbed that didn't even work. It was dead winter, and no matter how many blankets she padded up and wrapped around her it never kept out the bone aching chill. She just hasn't been able to figure out yet if the chill is from the cold  or her shredded heart. Since that frozen, gray day she's had a one track mind. And the train is derailing.
 She takes a step further into the room. A part of the floor creaks, welcoming her in a disturbing way and everyone glances from the corner of their eye, but not directly at her. That's how she knows they're all gone. That's how she knows her exile. All because of a boy. No he wasn't a boy. He was a wolf looking for a lamb, searching for his prey. And he found her. He found her, and cut her and then left her to lick her wounds. But he has other prey too. And all of these pretty girls are just following him to their own demise while they look at the lamb like it's the one to blame for bleeding. Like the wolf never did it. But she takes another step ignoring the awkward silence and subtle murmurs. Simply because as of late she's had worse things happen to her. So much worse than a lying boy that no longer means anything to her. It doesn't matter.
 As she steps her way to the front by the church alter where everyone else is practicing, laughing, and going over the same routine, precise moves she slips her shoes off. The carpet feels rough under her feet and she wiggles her toes into the fabric. She's been involved in this youth program for 3 years now, but no one even bothered to learn her name until this past fall. Remmie. That's her name. She knows it, but they didn't. 
It felt strange at first. She had always sat alone or with one of the youth leaders, that seemed to be the only one that would ever talk to her, and then suddenly she was surrounded by people laughing with her and inviting her to parties, get togethers, and bowling nights. She never liked bowling, but she never said anything either. Now she thinks that she should have.
 As everyone finally settles into the line to go over the dance once more for the church program coming up in a week she falls right in place. Maybe it will take her mind off of him. But as she finishes that first move she looks over at the one person left that seems to hold no judgment towards her (though it feels false) she idly wonders what Lynn really thinks. Lynn's face is blank...robotic, and as she catches her eye the blonde haired girl smiles. Do these people ever feel? Are they real? She looks towards the big double door she just walked through that would lead her right back out. And suddenly her legs burn to run. To just leave and never look back again. Se wants to run from the isolated loneliness that she feels in, above all places, this church. Weren't churches meant to fill voids, not leave them gaping? This is all fake! She can't dance when he's lying in the cold, wet, winter ground. Before she can really even allow her legs to do what they crave she's flying through the room and out the door the whole time telling herself "don't look back." The last thing she will ever remember about that church room is an echo of a voice from the blonde girl calling her name. Lynn was it?
 As she's running toward her final exit to get into her car and go back to her safe, unrelenting cold bed she stops for just a second as she sees the blur of a girl that she loves to hate in the final room by her exit door. The girl she hates is talking to a boy she recognizes from school, but Remmie has never actually talked to him herself. And he sure as hell never bothered going out of his way. Why should he? She's only a little above 5 foot, 100 pounds wet, with a different hair color each week. She blends easy. On purpose of course. She's made a talent of it. Remmie means to go unnoticed until the stupid girls eyes flicker to her face. The girl waves her into the room and introduces her to the boy.
 "Hi," the boy holds his hand. He's very ordinary looking with small eyes.
She looks at his hand and reluctantly accepts. "Hi."
And somehow with those two "hi's" they both end up in her car headed to the mall while Remmie secretly is still thinking about her bed and how she doesn't even know why he's here or what happened in the past five minutes to put her on this unsought road. He's not him, he's not him...she keep telling herself, as if she needs reminding. She know he's not him. No one can be.
 And what's even more fascinating is the fact that after they roam around the same place in the mall going in circle, after circle for hours as she mindlessly listens to this obnoxious boys babbling she actually agrees to go with him back to a place that he's been staying at. Why? She asks her self immediately, but it's as if something else is making her choices for her. She's just along for the ride. And after all of that if only she had known what place that would be, if she was asked again next time in another life or dimension, she wouldn't hesitate before she said okay for the second time.
 Simply because when she gets there and has to spend the next two hours trying to scoot further and further away from the obnoxious boy (she is glad they were strangers before now) while he tried to get closer and closer... during all that and right in the middle of a movie, and hell, and chaos, and an ice storm the covers the heart and soul, God dropped a blessing right in her life. He gave her a light for the darkness that surrounded her every single day.
 This guy walked into the room. The boy introduced them as she was laying back. Remmie didn't have a good view of the guy, so she lifted herself for the introduction.
 She looked this guys way and saw him. I mean really saw him. She saw the dark gleam of his brown eyes and he somehow in the mess of it all reminded her of a song. A beautiful song. You know? The ones that keep you singing? The ones that keep you crying, and laughing, and dancing. But you're never alone in them. Those kind of beautiful songs. That was this guy. And he wasn't him either. Because he was in the ground...still. And the life would never shine in his eyes again. And despite the utter stillness and faded glimmer in this guys eyes they were full of life. Bright, unfading, days in the sun kind of life. A life that she missed. A life she may be able to know again. And for the first time since she saw him put into the ground, she didn't want to go back to her bed and curl up in the February cold. She wanted to stay where it was warm.
 The stars were bright that night. And the cold mist settled over a sleeping town. And she missed him. And her mind never really lost the one track it was on, but now it didn't necessarily feel like it was derailing. And as the smell of leather comforted her this guy made her laugh. And she felt alive.

He Doesn't Know He's BEAUTIFUL

This is an excerpt from my debut novel Awakening Iris (The Dreamcatchers Saga #1). The design is done by the talented Wendy Lohr from Cressen Books Publishing. If you like romance, or simply something real I encourage you to read this! Follow me on Google, Facebook, Twitter, and/or on my blog! Also check out and follow Cressen Books LLC on Facebook or visit their site cressenbooks.com to read the first chapter of Awakening Iris for free. Links are available for purchase on Nook, Kindle, or Paperback!

Your Eyes

                                         Iris ~Awakening Iris (The Dreamcatchers Saga #1)~
                                                                Available now...

Consume Me

Consume Me

Polluted, impure, a sense of well being/
I can't keep you from speaking/
I can't keep you from seeing.
Everything that I do/
Everything that I am/
Every dirty flaw/
Every well laid out plan.
You search for me now/
You see through the clouds/
You rip my heart from my chest/
And leave it beating on the ground.
You crush me, you know me/
Love me, expose me/
Keep me/ leave me/
Consume me/ and feed me.
Tears are dripping down/
I want to fall in them and drown/
Fears are clawing out/
You crush them all around.
I'm brand new and bleeding/
White as fresh fallen snow/
You were here, I saw you/
I can't let you go.
You were here, I saw you/
Please, don't you go.

Shine And Fall

The wind rips/
The sky drips/
We shine, we fall/
We shine, we fall.
The leaves rustle/
The dirt is wet/
We were innocent/
The day that we met.
Ring around the moon/
Arranged in the stars/
We shine, we fall/
We shine, we fall hard.
We fall hard.
Emotion in color/
We fly, we flutter/
Human reaction raw/
We shine, we fall.
We shine, we fall.
We stand, we rise/
There's victory in your eyes/
We stand, we fight/
We've become the light.
Started from a spark/
Burned into a flame/
Setting fire to the dark/
We'll never be the same.
Now everything has changed.

Just Another Cover: Last Kiss

During my shows I do a mix of cover songs and my own stuff. I thought I would do a cover today. One of my favorite most  heartfelt songs by Taylor Swift (in my opinion) Last Kiss. It's off of her last album Speak Now. So here it is...in honor of Taylor! Last Kiss.

Please forgive me. The last of the song was wrapped up in a hurry. my son was calling for me. you will be able to hear him at the very end. LOL! :)

Unspoken Words

Do you ever wonder where someone's writings and songs come from? Do you wonder where mine come from? The things that I write in secret or on here for everyone to see is made and ignited from every feeling and every fiber of my heart, thoughts, and soul. Things that I have never said to people that I love...or even to the ones I don't like. They are unspoken words. Things that matter but things that can't be said. If you listen to a song...the person is telling you exactly how they feel. It's just in a easier, safer way for them.

 

The things read are all for people I know or have known. They are things that I've never said to them that I am now, or wish I had when I had the chance. UNSPOKEN WORDS can be devastating. You always think that you have all the time in the world to tell people what you think of them, or how you feel about them. How much you love them. Or even how much you feel that they were all wrong. Maybe you just keep putting it off for another day, but the days keep passing, and you still don't speak. I have come to find though that you can't wait to tell people because you never know which one of you may not be here anymore. And the regret of those unspoken words is haunting.

 

 The things you read and see are written for a beautiful, amazing boy that I miss everyday who I lost one cold February. A fun, frustrating, yet wonderful man that has never let me down. Two loving souls that are demanding, innocent, and completely worth it. A guy that darkened my world for a while that I should have ran from, and another that lied and took something of mine. One that used me, then left me all alone, ignored, and out of place, abruptly ending the story. Someone that I Iove very much that I sometimes feel doesn’t see me. A man that has been through more than he deserves but whose future doesn’t have to be the same as his past. A girl I used to think was my friend that easily betrayed me and didn’t care. Another unique and talented, yet scared girl who I feel sometimes unwanted by and who I hope never fades away. My feelings and cries to God straight from my soul. And also songs about me.

 

That is why songs, poems, rants, stories, and books are written, There is a piece of the writer in all of it. Words are powerful. They are haunting. They can heal you or they can rip you apart. You can miss them, you can hate them, or you can dream them. Words... stories of life bleeding in black on a blank sheet of paper.

“I found that bruises will fade and cuts will heal.
But now there’s a scar on this heart that I’m scared to reveal.”

"I can still smell the rain that July night. You know it's really somethin'. I lost you once now I've lost you twice."

 

Errant Thought

Nothing is more vital than believing. If you believe in God then you know that you're not alone and you never will be. It gives you comfort. If you believe in yourself and know that there is nothing that you can't do, then you have dreams and ambition. If you believe in love you receive happiness. And if you believe that fairytale endings do exist then you have imagination and the wonder of just where does Snow White live?