A Million Words and No Exits

She took a walk one day. And she went down the dirty path. The one that she was told not to take. The clean path never looked tempting to her though. It seemed lonely and forlorn. And at the end of that path she imagined bitterness and suffocation. A slow death brought on by a million hands and a million words and never any exits.

Her bare feet beat paths into the soil and she breathed in the stardust and the poison out. There were a thousand tiny thorns and just as many weeds that sometime got in her way. But she just went on knowing there would be a better day. Because what did the white rabbit say? That tomorrow would be better and if it isn't the next day would be and so on and so on, because one day things just have to be better. And she held on to that as she walked this narrow path in what sometimes felt like Wonderland, but looked like yesterday.

"Have you ever been in a crowded room and felt so lonely?" she would ask. "I have." And in truth those are the times that she had felt the loneliest in her life. Narrowed eyes always stared, but none never trusted. And she felt that no one would ever even notice if a hole in the ground opened and swallowed her up. They could go on just fine, and maybe sometime at the end of the party they would think "Where is that girl? I never knew her name. I barely remember her face. But I think she was standing right there. Maybe she went home early." and then they would continue next weeks gossip. Because even though there may be many faces there are never names, and the bigger the crowd the more that you blend. The more you cannot breathe. The more your powers fade. The more your light falters at so many hands grabbing and wanting and taking and never giving in return. The more you turn into nothing special.

But here she was alone. Really alone. But she didn't feel like it. She felt warm hands and heard a beating heart and listened heartily to sweet whisperings and encouragements. Here she was alive. And even though she walked this unwanted path, even though she was so scared at times, she would never regret her actions or choices. Because even though the dark terrified her, and thirst hurt her parched throat, and her feet ached from the briers and many many steps... there was light from the fireflies and moon, there was honeydew on her lips, and there were cool streams for her feet. And she knew...she just knew that something spectacular was waiting for her at the end of this path. This is where she was meant to be. These steps were ones that she was born to take. The core of her soul radiated strength and courage. And in the end...that's all that matters.

The Transitioning

It's been a while since I have wrote. Almost a month. I've been making some big changes, and I guess I have also been trying to allow these changes to take place in my life. I know it will be better in the long run. I feel it in my bones. It's something I've wanted, now I just have to grab it.

I try not to think about what I'm leaving behind, because it all becomes too bittersweet. There were bad times, but there were a lot of good. Really good. I always knew that it wouldn't stay forever. Everything changes. Nothing ever stays the same. But the years went by pretty damn fast too. The past was never meant to be lived in though, only visited on rainy days. So I won't go there. Not now anyway. I will look ahead. I will be strong. I will ask for courage and find it within me. Because life is all about change, and transitioning. It's about new experiences and faith. Without any of that, you never truly live.  I will search for what I'm suppose to do, what I am suppose to be in this life that I have so gracefully been been blessed with.

I will better myself. I will make my own path. I will see the beauty in the transformation. I will focus on the postive and stop looking for any negative. I will take any pain and crumple it like a paper ball, and with whatever is left I will pray away. I will NOT let fear control me. That is something that one allows. And that person will not be me. I will pass through time and make it matter with each heartbeat and footstep. And most importantly, I will know that I am never, ever alone.

Thank you to those that I love for making these past years count. For being there. And most of all, for doing what you never had to do. Thank you.

With love...