Red gown in my bedroom,
Hair down, dancing,
Dancing...
Trying to pull off a move,
We never could.
You bend down and kiss me,
And I can see it so clearly,
You're wild eyes are saying,
This is it,
This is it...
So promise me, you'll remember this night,
11 p.m making our own spotlight,
Laughing until both our ribs ache,
I'll never forget the look on your face,
Promise me...
Promise me...
Sunsets, a strong fire in the sky,
You're hand is locked in mine,
I never knew the good kind of hurt,
And it kind of hurt,
The way the fire burned,
We walk down the street,
And I, I can see,
Peach pink rays on my skin,
On my skin...
So promise me, you'll remember this time,
9 p.m, coloring outside the lines,
Laughing, wide eyes glowing bright,
Doing it so wrong that it just feels right,
Promise me...
Promise me...
See me, red gown,
Hair down,
Because I see you...
I see you...
With your brown eyes,
A thousand favorite times.
I was afraid to close my eyes,
I was afraid that I would I...
Stop breathing...
The beat of my own heart shook like glass,
Everything made of gold turned to brass,
then spilling colors...
I took one step closer to the stars,
two steps away from my heart,
I marveled in my own mystery,
I only wanted to see what you could see,
In me.
I was afraid to break open my chest,
I was afraid of what could be hiding,
I looked at you and you seemed so calm,
You said "Sometimes the monsters aren't who you think they are."
You leave your own scars.
Long nights that ended too soon,
Everything, all roads led back to you,
Red lips, driving home at one a.m,
You were right about who I am,
Falling, falling to the edge,
Falling, falling like birds in the wind,
Am I crazy for thinking like this?
Sinking ships, yeah, sinking sand,
I sank...
I sank...
I sank...
To let you in.
To let you in...
Sitting in rounded porcelain, chest high with water, and Fleetwood Mac playing loudly from my playlist, I stretch my arms, and then my legs, looking at my toes down under the surface. The smell of coconut circulates through the air and the heat blows my home-made curtains on the window. I hold my breath and allow my body to slide down, down, down. My head breaks the surface, a humming fills my ears and I am gone. Energy buzzes, my lungs burn, but I lift my feet and press them down against the top of the tub, anchoring myself to the bottom under the water, under the noise, under the madness.
I watch as bubbles float to the surface and my lungs are screaming frantically. I can still hear the, now a slight hum, of Dreams and I can clearly feel my pulse racing, the blood flowing and pumping through every vein, circulating and feeding my very life. I can hear my heart beating. Beat...beat...beat...beating...
And why? To be a mermaid for a moment. To feel the air held tightly in my lungs, filled to capacity. To test myself, my strength. I do it to feel the world from this other side, to feel myself go crazy and to clear my mind all at the same time. I do it to hear the life in me. To know it's flowing through me still. And I know I'll be okay. I do it to think and to forget. I do it to remember and then release. I do it to renew and come clean again in more ways than one.
And when the burn in my chest is too much to bear. When I can't taste the air on my tongue anymore. When I crave more food for life, I break the surface again. And when I do I gulp in air like it's the only thing in this world that I need. I breathe it in, in such a beautiful, life forming, instinctual way. I inhale and choke. I inhale and need. I inhale and remember. I inhale...
I know I'm alive.
Then I do it again.
And I hear...
"For me, it's the only life that I've ever known
And love is only one, fine star away
Even though the living is sometimes laced with lies
It's alright, feeling remains even after the glitter fades....."
