Beautifully Written

We live changing a little more by each day that passes. We grow, becoming more independent as needy people are often laughed at and shaken loose like a used up toy. We call ourselves experienced. We say that we are fine and train our hearts, minds, and souls to doing everything on their own. Because we will never need anything from anybody. We will never require anything from anybody. We think we are above the people that show any weakness or dependency on another soul. We've closed ourselves off and don't even know that we are the ones suffering. We are suffering because we don't know the feeling of what such intense love can do. We don't know how it feels to banish any thoughts of losing a particular someone because you just can't fathom that kind of tragedy. We think we grow because of the lack of this. This love, this dependency, this devotion. But in reality, we grow with the strength of it.

And we don't find out and swear it won't happen until does happen. Maybe we told ourselves that it wouldn't to get us away from the disappointment that it hasn't yet. Oh, but when it happens, it's like a bomb just exploded in your hands, and everything that you were, and everything that you believed in is gone. Now, all of a sudden you are someone who compromises. You are someone who trusts, even when you don't really want to. You are now the someone that is dependent on the person that just stole your heart. You are the person that you once laughed at. You don't know how this happened. You just know that it did and now you will never be the same. There is no reversing this. You don't know how you will walk out this situation. But you do know that the person you once were is gone.

A new person has emerged with a new and satisfied light in your eyes. Sometimes you are unrecognizable in the the mirror, but you know it's a better you. And you now know the feeling. The feelings of irrevocable, life altering, love. You know how it feels to banish all thoughts of your life without them, because life without them is simply impossible. You are not built to live through that kind impossibility. You morph and change, yet again, not for the first time, and not for the last. But still in every other way permanently. Isn't it simply amazing what effect another human being can have on someone? Flesh, blood, sinew, and one lovely heartbeat, and you simply melt away. And if being dependent is what it requires, so be it. Because we never know how our stories will end, but we do know that with that kind of love, gratitude, and adoration, our story will end up being one beautifully written book.



 

The Good Will Rise

After several discussions today one really weighs on my mind more than others. It's about relationships. I've been going through some type of new revelations with particular relationships lately that I can't quite understand and there are some I have to cut my ties too, for my own benefit.

I don't exactly know where to start, except to say that I'm at a point in my life where I can finally put things in perspective. I know who is important and who is not. I know who to trust and who to be leery of.  I know what to say and what not to say and to who. And I know that I'm not desperate enough to be disposable or just "convenient" to anyone.

I have been blessed enough in my life to see and feel what it is to be loved. To be protected. To be somebody's first choice and way of life. I have also been blessed enough to know what friendship really is. What love really is. 

First...let's get this straight. There are so many different types of relationships that you will have in life. There are relationships between parent and child, and husband and wife. There are family relationships. And there are friend relationships. A relative relationship and relationship with a friend is what I will from here on out be referring to.

Anyways, having been blessed to know what friendship really is, I know that what it is NOT is "give me this, give me that, can I USE you for this, can I USE you for that? I will take this and will give you nothing. You are only convenient." No! Friendship is this. "Let me help you with this, let me give you that. And I don't need anything  from you, but I like the thought that if I did you wouldn't mind. Thank you." Know the difference.

People as of late, I noticed have been confusing friendship with convenience. I have had this problem with someone that can't even be bothered to say "hello" and, just talking to my sister and husband,I had said that I won't be someone's second choice. I won't let that kind of negativity into my life, when my life already has so much happiness anyway. People all have a reason to enter anothers life. Many you won't know right away. It may take years before you know the reason. But it is for a reason. And sometimes it's only temporary. We don't question it. It is what it is.

There are also the people that like to take and take and never give you anything. They just take the very best of you until they bleed you emotionally dry. Sometimes burned bridges cannot be rebuilt. Sometimes people forgive, but they never forget. Sometimes when you shove so many people away they really just won't be there when you need them. People cannot seriously expect to do so many people wrong, and lie, and cheat, and steal so many times and the people you keep burning and killing and bleeding dry will still be there. There may be nothing left of them to take. Maybe they are just hanging on too. And this is what you have done to them. This is what it looks like after the smoke has cleared. This is what it looks like after the fall.

I still believe there is good in this world. And I still believe that the good will always win. Always. And the good side is the side that I will always fight on. But I can't lie. The bad has left such a bitter taste in my mouth. And even sometimes the sweet turns sour. I want someone honest to say something worth while. I want to hear something true from someone. Confirm what I believe in and show me that the good will rise.

You Are Invited!!!

Saturday, February 7th, from 3-4 p.m at Peaceful Heart Yoga Studio in Franklin Indiana I will be doing a book reading/signing for Awakening Iris AND Sparks Ignite! This will be an awesome and fun day filled with reading, books, tea, cupcakes, and friendly conversation! I hope anyone in the area can make it! I'd love to meet you! Spread the word, friends!

Extinguished

You swallow the pills as poison. It's putrid and stinks and kills your relationship with everyone around you. I have been there for you for so long now. And I thought that you were there for me. But now you are all take and take and you never give anything in return. I never even asked for anything from you. I was warned. I should have known all along. You are like the rest of the world and have melted into the darkness of it. Every light that you held shines less and less by each passing day. Every flame that your soul is made of has extinguished.

Your eyes are glazed and you forget about everything that you have bragged and boasted about. You cross lines. You cross the lines lines. You trip and stumble and claim that love is not for you. You are only interested in what people can do for you. What people can give you, so you don't have to work for anything because you fear that you just might not make it. Fear has claimed you. You sit quiet as a coward while others fight for your freedom. Well I'm done fighting. I throw down my sword. I will search for a battle with a better revelation. One that is more likely to come.

I have to bite my tongue and grind my teeth in order to keep from saying that things that you rightly deserve to hear. You have hurt everyone that has ever cared for you. You have killed and destroyed innocence, just mowing it over, leaving a trail of destruction in your wake. You have opened up bright eyes to the horrors of what can reside in this world that they have for long believed in as magical and beautiful. You have taken us, and tried us, and have stomped and screamed and lied and have smiled sadness for so long now that we only see others as untrustworthy. Trust no one and question everyone, right?

You are sick and sad and so far off of the deep end that the cold icy water has done swallowed you under. Does it fill your lungs? Can you breathe by yourself? Or do need to rebuild the bridges of those that can help you...again?

Something Worth While

It's so strange, exciting, and also kind of throws you into a little turmoil when something like a simple smell can take you right back to a specific time in the past, almost like an honest to goodness time machine. I've been in the past lately. But I've dwelt with the good times.

Lately on these bitter cold winter days that I feel down to my bones, I have instead been sitting in a lawn chair in my mind, with an herbal heating pack on my stomach to warm me, a long wrap around scarf loosely around my throat, and my favorite green jacket with a knitted hat. It's early morning and I have a cup of lemon ginger tea pressed between my numb hands and the sun is rising in soft hues of pinks and golds over a large misty lake. Tall hills cover all sides, and the marsh is rippling with foxtails and wildflowers growing by the coast. This is the closest to peace one will ever get. The air is crisp and my lungs inhale deeply to catch every bit of it as if this will never last. Because it won't. So I try to program it into every fiber of my being to recall on days to come.

Next I am hiking long wooded unkempt trails and then getting stranded in a mislabeled one. I'm stuck in a horrible cold shower trying to nudge myself toward the back and away from the ripped see through plastic curtains. Muddy colors run down the drain from the dirt, the fishing, and the heated trails. But I've never minded the dirt. I like the way it smells. Like a bare earth that has yet to be touched by human hands or hatred.

When I finally get to the campfire I'm hungry but refuse to eat anything before the pork stew and the cornbread is done that my grandma is making. So I sit as closely and play with the fire. The nearness of the flames makes my skin tingle and burn hot but I try not to back away because I know that now that I'm used to the heat the cold with be even harder to deal with. Just like everything else in this life. It's hard when you're used to something good and worth keeping and then you get thrown back into the cold and change. And you wish for just one thing you can grasp onto. Like blue flames.

The stars have never been brighter and as I eat my hot stew I point out the constellations to myself and count them, recollecting all of their names, just the way that I learned them in school when we went underneath the big white dome that I looked forward to every single year. And then I idly wonder why I didn't become an astronomer. They twinkle and burn and promise me that for tonight they are all mine.

Oh, God I remember smiling. I remember laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe and the muscles in my stomach ached in protest. I remember time going by so slow and so fast at the same time and how sad it was to have to say goodbye to the wetlands and the beautiful, majestic rotting trees sticking out of the water from where it was flooded years ago.  I remember my grandparents being so giving and never wanting anything in return as we went to a festival full of antiques and wool sweaters. I remember my kids jacket pockets filled to the brim with candy from the parade and how they waddled home with two bags worth. I remember how my grandpa ended up becoming the packing mule and how aside from some jokes he never complained about it the whole time and always, always was patient and smiling. I remember the early morning walks with my grandma around the cove of the lake and us picking bags full of persimmons to make persimmon bread. We fought huge bees and I did everything but climb up the trees, and that's only because there were no lower branches to get a footing on. I remember my son searching for crawdads and frogs and how the butterflies loved my daughter. They flew on her and just laid right there on her chest and head like she was a queen. It was beautiful. I remember joking with my husband all day and I remember the way he looked in colors of the sunset.

How these times were beautiful. How they shined so brightly and clearly in my memory and heart. And oh, how I will remember them to the day I no longer exist. How I live in these moments so vividly. And how I miss them so much. I want to replay them, breathe them in again. But most of all I want to say thank you to God and all of the loved ones who made these moments happen and count for something worth while.

Simply, You.

You take my defenses and shatter them to pieces. You break me every single day, sift through the scarred, marred parts, and then rebuild me into something more beautiful and significant. Into something better that I can be loved and remembered for. You crush the weakness and strengthen my bones. You warm my blood and set my heart on fire. You are everything that I am not. You are everything adore. You are everything that I love to breathe in. And I inhale and focus on the blissful awareness that permeates my every being.

I remember no pain. I can bring what I think it felt like to the front of my mind. I remember the effects but I don't remember the cause. I remember the tears, but I don't recall the sadness. It's nothing that is relevant to my life now. I was once a scared girl and I remember that well. And that's why now I am brave. And it's all because of you. You're simple undeniable presence. You're irrevocable love. You accept everything that I am. Every piece that was in shambles, every shadow or darkness that had drowned out the light. You've loved through it all. Ever scar you have seen as beautiful.

This is my promise to you. To love you. Unconditionally.
To accept you. Undoubtedly.
To see you. And everything that you are. And in every color that you shine.
To relish you. Timidly.
To be in deep gratitude. Of you simplicity.
And to die for you. Without regret. Happily.

You have not saved me. And I have not saved you. But, in other terms, we saved each other. We beat the bitter cold, the relentless waves, and overwhelming loneliness. And in that loneliness and in all that was unholy we found the beauty in what "us" can really mean.

And I won't dare say that I regret my past. That I would take back all that I have weathered and chanced. That I would have rather tip-toed than jumped. That has never been me or the way that I operate. I won't dare say any of this, because I simply don't regret it at all. In fact, I would do it all over again for however long with a knowing smile every step of the way, just knowing without a doubt that in the end my reward for all of my heartbreak and fear and troubles and blood was you. Simply, you.

A Piece The World Doesn't See

There is a war raging inside of us every day. And the warring stems from and consumes every fiber of our heart and mind. There is always a piece of us the rest of the world doesn't see. There is always a piece of me.

Fighting.

Left behind.

Begging for help.

Two parts. The brave, honorable, fearless woman. And the scared, shaking, fearful child. They claw each other. And they hiss and scream. They want to rip each other apart and reassemble into something stronger and better. Because though we can never change, we can always be better then we were the day before. Though we can never go back, we can always move forward. Though we can never rectify our decisions and losses we can avoid grief and conquer our fears. But what about that part of us that is still pissed off? What about that part that is scared every single day? What about the part of us that we want to crush and defy? What about the part of us that refuses to. Or the part that simply can't.

Yes, there is a war. Both of those sides are incredible, terrifying, and powerful beyond all logic. One part hates the other part loves. One part trembles and the other part is steady. One part cries and the other part laughs at the thought of tears. And only one part wins out each day. 

There are so many different masks. And that's what makes me who I am as a being. That is what makes me an original. There is no one else like me. There never will be anyone else like me. Or you. Or any of us as individuals.

So, here's to the dreamer in us.
And the doer.
The scared.
The brave.
The kickass.
The peace pusher.
Here's to the war hero.
And to the misfit.
To the classy.
And the dark.
To the sound mind.
And to the clouded thoughts.
To the underestimated.
And the weak.
To the liar.
The trusting.
And to the strong.

We all rise as one.