Pictures

I was sifting through old family pictures yesterday. A lot of them I had starred in at the young age of what looked to be about one to three years old, my wide blue eyes taking up most of my face, and even wider grin spread from ear to ear. In other photos were my dad, young, about seventeen, skinny with a slight sun kissed tan and long, blonde curly hair to his shoulders. He was wrestling with my uncle, whom I have always called Bubby. Bubby was only about fourteen, barely out of childhood. Then there was another picture of Bubby and I. I was about three and he was knelt down giving me a kiss, which I received happily. We were always so close, more to me like a brother other then an uncle.
My grandma and grandpa, so young and beautiful dominated quite a bit of pictures, my head sticking out of my grandpas sweatshirt in one, eyes red rimmed and watery from being sick from what I'm told. just like now I was also quite clausterphobic and didn't want to be in that sweatshirt in any way, shape, or form.
There were happy, reminicent photos of me and my younger sister of four years hugging on the front porch, and of my mother, dressed beautifully, hair curled. Such wonderful times with a family I would never have traded.
Now, you would think that I would have looked at these pictures with complete happiness. This wasn't exactly the case, though theier task of making me smile was fulfilled. Another more dominant thought filled my forethoughts though...Why has so much changed?
Why over the years do people drift away along with their memories and love? Why do people turn bitter and cold? Why do we be come resentful? Why do we let so many petty things get in the way of what matters most and hurt people we love the most beautifully? How can love fade as if it's just a blur of what used to be? Why do people decide that now that they are older they have to change who they are and what they care mostly for? Why do people we believe in disconnect themselves and make us question our beliefs all over again?
I remember the times that love was thought  of above all, feelings of others were put before your own, and how you would die just to know that the one you love simply existed in this world, so you know that it wasn't just your imagination, or a dream or had unwillingly awakened from. I remember when things were less difficult and friendships were strong. I remember family. My final thought looking at that picture of daddy and bubby, pop and I peeking over a divider, sis and I hugging, and bubby giving me that kiss...Why can't it be the same?
So I place the old family photos back in place, close up the memories, and continue with now without completly forgetting then with a couple of stolen pictures folded in my heart.

Another open page: Tick Tock

Tick Tock  (a poem)

Tick tock goes the clock.

Time fades and the deadbolts lock.

Tick tock, the caw of the crow.

Where he lives nobody knows.

Tick tock, the wind blows the trees.

We pass slowly by the lonesome swings.

Life is a circle, we live and we die.

Life is the unknown.

Do you think we can fly?

Some live with no limits.

Some are scared to see light.

Some are self- righteous.

And some are colder than night.

Tick tock, the dead feed off your life.

Tick tock, their teeth sinking in and as sharp as a knife.

Tick tock, everyone looks for a savior to rescue their soul.

Tick tock, but the one you trust most devours you whole.

So when the pendulum swings and the night draws near.

When you lie in bed what is it you fear?

Another open page from one of my journals. One thing that you can rely on more then anything in your life is the fact that time...does...pass. Somebody had once told me "This to shall pass." It's something that I will never forget. In a way it gives you comfort, in a whole other way it brings fear. Thus "Tick tock goes the clock. Time fades and the deadbolts lock." Along with time and the changes of the seasons you can see differences in people. As cynical as this may seem I have noticed that it's easier for people to change for the worst more so then the better, though the reverse is possible.

Some people say that change never really happens. People always stay the same. I disagree.I've witnessed change among others. It can sometimes make you feel like an outsider. I want to keep myself the same and just better as I go. One thing that never ceases to truely amaze me is how opposite people can be though. "Some live with no limits. Some are scared to see light. Some are self righteous, and some are colder than night." I've run into individuals that believe they are invinsible. Nothing can touch them, and then there are those that are scared of everything, so they never leave there room. There are the ones who like to play the holy part, and then the few that have such a bitter coldness about them that you've never experienced before.

"The dead feed off your life." No, not the actual dead. I'm referring to the emotionally dead, spiritually dead, those who have no spark left in their eyes. Therefore so oyu will level down to them they try to take your spark from you. Run as fast as you can.

"The one you trust most devours you whole." It always happens that way doesn't it? Though there are those few times you come out in one piece. You trust somebody with every fiber of your being and they know it. So they see it as their chance to take advantage, because after all you believe in them right?

Everything about the above is fact based around human fear. Now here's the tough part, the match that starts the flame. All of it is true. After all who would choose a lie over one small strand of honesty anyway? With all of this being so you have to also choose to drown out the cynic that is in you, to keep the imagination of a child alive, the determination that fans the flame, and the hope that good still over powers and kills out all bad. If you believe any other way the fear will take over and suffocate you slowly.

One last question. "When you lie in bed what is it you fear?" Everyone has one.

Sparks

I've come to realize that sometimes when faced with certain situations you just want to give up. To keep going you have to dig through the embers of what is left and find a tiny spark of what used to be. When you find that spark you know that there is still life and fire behind you, behind all you hope for, and all you wish so hard to become. Just like a fire without that spark you will be defeated and what you love will die. Whether it be something that you are passionate about, something that you're good at, an idea, a road you are set upon to travel, or even just you in general you have to stand your ground, overcome all, perservere like the wolF, and come out a champion.
Face your back to the wind, let it carry you down the path that you have chosen. Be leary of turning back and running to saftey, because sometimes uncharted, untamed territory is where you are supposed to be. The safe things and feelings that you are accustomed and have come to know and rely upon may not be the best bet, and it can be your greatest fear disguised, especially if what you fear is simply going nowhere, never having a chance to shine, or having your light extinguished and suffocated out. Take a chance, spread the wings that you didn't even realize that you had, inhale, breathe out, jump off that cliff and go in headfirst, fearless in every aspect of the word. It's the only way that I choose to live. What will come out of comfortable, safe decisions? Regret, what if, I should have, and I wish I could haves. When I look back upon my life at eighty years old I want to be able to look back knowing that I gave it my best shot, and I want to be able to say 'Hey, I did that!'

Sweet Dreams

So I find myself up late...again. To make my free time a little more constructive I decided to write on my book:) I finished chapter fourteen last week. It's titled "Love and Twine." Can anyone guess what it's about? I'd be interesting to see what people may suspect.
On a different note I would like to thank my mother for being the reason on this particular evening that I can't close my eyes! We watched a creepy show and my nightlight isn't much of any help. Yes! For those of you who don't know..I am twenty four and have a nightlight. No judging on this page! And lets talk about dreaming since we're already on the subject of sleep. A question has often ran through my mind. Which can be scarier? Dreams or memories? Another question...which is more lovely? Sleep tight all you beauties and dream sweetly.
P.S Just finished a book. "I've Heard That Song Before." I applaude Mary Higgans Clark! What a wonderful read! I couldn't out it down!