The Dreamcatchers Saga Video Clip #1

           Here is The Dreamcatchers Saga NEW and FIRST video ever!!!!!!!! I hope you like it!


                                                                     ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The If Factor

So, I know this boy...
Who is really a man but let's just say boy.

I could never figure out how I feel about him. I know I love him, but the bitterness it's mixed with makes it false. No, the love is not pure the way that I feel it should be. The way that I have taught myself to love does not apply to him. Because I hate him too. Or his decisions, or toxicity, or lack of thereof, or personal self destruction mixed with self gratification mixed with selfishness of his entire being mixed with...

Well, fault.

I hate how he has never thought of anyone else even though I know goodness is inside of him. I despise how I can see the light in him at times but how it's never strong enough to win out over his darkness. I grew up believing that any form of light can snub out all darkness. What do I do with that belief now when I have witnessed how untrue that is for him? I hate his negligence on everything that matters in life and how he doesn't realize how much is at stake. I hate how I only become important to him when he has no one else because they all have already walked away. And I hate the bitterness that I feel. A bitterness I need to surrender.

I tell myself to love. Love those who are hard to love even harder still. Love intentionally. Love recklessly. Love fully. Love initially. Love the flaws. Love the beauty. Love the paint others cover themselves in. Love the humanity within them. Because I have all of these things too. And if I can't love them then how can I love myself?

But he makes it hard.

And I can't save him.

And I don't know what to say anymore so the silence is filled with more silence and more silence until we are buried in it and I can't breathe. Until I feel the gap between my life and his. Between his truth and the real truth.

And I don't understand and I can't fathom why I just can't get it. My entire life I have always known what was at stake, what could fall through, the people that could walk away forever. So I keep them. I make sure that I keep them close and put them before myself and look from their perspective and sit where they have sat. I make sure to try and feel what they have felt. To simply... keep them. Because it could all fall through at any given moment.

So, no, I don't understand where he's coming from or where he is going or even where he will be at eighty years old.

But I learned long ago from a very different boy that I am not a savior. A very different boy whom I let drown to finally save myself. And I have no regret of that whatsoever. I still dream of him. But now he a thing of nightmares.

He lives with the monsters and ceases to exist anywhere but in a realm of the past that I never did have. Because now it's gone. But I take away the knowing that I can't save anyone. Especially from themselves.

The potential, the worth, the consciousness ebbing away before my very eyes. And though I have tried and tried I cannot live with that. Because he embraces darkness and I fill myself with light. And we all know darkness and light cannot live together. Neither one can thrive. Maybe I can pump him full of light. Put it in an IV and allow the needle in his vein to bring him back to a life he has no idea is possible. It can mark the beginning of a very different needle then the ones he is used to. Maybe the light will fill every cell and membrane and he will forget who he is so he can begin again. Maybe it will spill over and then I can forget too.

And if that were to happen, maybe the love would not be tainted.

 But that is a lot of if's...

Made of Dust and Color

We wait and choke. We think and re-think, training and retraining ourselves, our mind, our spirit. We release a thousand years of societies conditioning. We sit alone and detox sin from our flesh or we may unify to feed each other what we can't feed ourselves. We all want a small taste of absolution.

And we wait. Meanwhile we sink. We feel the most alive as we are drowning in our own skin and starlight. Made of dust and color and magic from the universe so intense that it engulfs into a kaleidoscope of light and fire. Living a million years searching for anything that means something. Something that you and I can't find in material possessions or a strangers love. We seek, wandering, and yearning for a piece of our soul that has seemed to escape. A piece of our soul that seems to be in another world that we cannot enter. There we live, half alive. There we live in addiction and a need and want so great that we thirst a thirst that cannot be quenched. We are a dry well.

So we wait but we don't always suffer. As we search, we can find. As we knock the unimportant things off our list of regrets, we breathe. When we can finally stop being so damn scared maybe we can become whole again. Can you imagine? Dear friend, can you see it? I can see us. Fully alive, eyes wide open, and aware of every fiber of your body and soul. Electricity will finally burn at our fingertips, our feet will find gravity, our heart will be united with truth as it drips from our tongue like sweet lavender honey. Finally, we will know that our soul hasn't abandoned us but we have abandoned it. We will find it residing with the light, simply because a soul cannot thrive in darkness. So what has ever made us think that we could?

Maybe one day we will figure everything out. Or maybe we won't. Just maybe the latter would be best, because once we have the answers what else would we ever have to learn? Would our quest be over and our mark made? Maybe our questions are really one of God's unseen miracles.

Our Questionable Journey

Starting from square one, and listening to Taylor swift songs on the bathroom floor, I realized that I never stop growing. I never stop expanding. And I never stop doing. And as I grow, as I expand so does my writing. Everything that I write develops into this phenomenal spin and kaleidoscope of reality and hopes. And I have faith that it will find it's voice, that I will find my voice, and it will change something or someone standing still.

I am a Taurus. And contrary to widespread and popular beliefs I welcome change. I don't like it too much at once. I don't like the negative (but who does)? But altogether I do welcome it. Because change is adventure. Change is a new chapter. Change is possibilities. 

Once upon a time I wanted everything to stay the same. I even sang about it. But then how does one grow? Growth isn't always suppose to feel good. And like a child does with their own growing pains, we will whine at times, maybe shed a few tears surrounded with complaints. But in order to flourish and flower and reveal my true self then I will accept that. 

So, no. I don't write about the things that I did when I was fourteen and fifteen. Words intertwined with the memory of puppy love and a blue eyed boy. I don't write about the same things that I did when I was twenty. Songs of brown eyes now and an acceptance I have never quite found. I don't even write the same words down that I may have had just a few months ago because I'm not that same person. I'm not even the same person I was yesterday. Because even though everyone wants to tell you to grow up or that we will all understand some day, we never will. Because I am convinced we will never stop growing. Not until we're in the ground and fade into a quiet memory. And we will never understand what is impossible to the human mind because NOT understanding just may be the journey in life. And if we have it all figured out, if we have no more questions to ask, maybe that would be the saddest part of all. The very real end of a journey that no one else could take but us. 

Along with the changes in my writing. Along with the changes in my soul. I am also okay with the uncertain, ,with the inevitable, and with the questions that we carry with us always. And that is enough.

~Barefoot. Woven. Human~

Life. Visions. Seasons

The Simple Release

I haven't written in a while. I've been sitting, stagnant, unrelenting--- waterlogged. I've been just about as steady as dry sand in hurricane winds. But I think a lot. Quite a lot, actually. The words just never reach fingertip, which in turn, never reaches pen or page.

I've been thinking a lot about what's between dust and dust. I mean the present and now. Paused and eternal. fleeting and escapable all at the same impossible time. I've been dreaming of revelations and how to get there. What roads do I have to cross, people I have to hurt, tides I have to succumb to? And I've been widely seeking earth rattling visions.

I have realized that all the while, as this world passes and passes, as we are but a blink in the continuous space of time and reason, I have been dying to become all the while dying to be here. I've been dying--- and living all at the same breath taking time to the beat, that very same beat, that the rest of the world hears even if they never admit it.

Even if they will never know it.

I've been reading quotes and quotes and quotes and quotes and...

Reading, finding pieces of myself in another's thoughts and insights. In another's revelations that I thought were once my own. Reading---and knowing---that I am never alone.

Most importantly I have been feeling, acknowledging, and listening to the tugs, pulls, and cries of my very soul. It acts as if it tries to detach for only a moment. Oh, if only for just one, singular, solitaire moment to bow at the feet of it's Creator. For the soul, it will forever remember another time. A time before time that the world has erased from my mind and body.

But the soul knows. It knows the truth. It knows nothing but the light of it. The truth of ourselves, our God, the secrets of the universe that has been whispered inside of it. The truth is inside of us. Always. And it knows.

I cry with it's cries, my body selfishly tugging back.

Please. Please. Stay.

Tell me you listen to your souls. Tell me stories of commonalities and childhood games when everything was easier. Tell me they remember what this world wants us to forget. What society tells us doesn't matter anymore. What materialism and consumerism tells us that we don't really need in our lives. Wake up! Wake up. I dare you...

Tell me you recall the days.

For we are all in this together. Perfectly imperfect and not always fitting in. But that is okay. Every fiber, every shred of dignity, every heartbeat tells me that it's okay. Every human being from every single continent, every animal from the elephant to the whale, the wolf to the bear, all the way down to the smallest kitten that depends on bigger and better things than itself is connected and here and alive.

If you would just listen to the stillness and wonder for only a moment. If you would just hear what your soul is fighting daily to say. If we would just remember it would be so much easier to forget. Forgetting the things that never, really, ever even mattered anyways.

Surrender...

It's liberating and freeing. That one, dear, simple release.

We owe ourselves that.

Promise Me

Red gown in my bedroom,
Hair down, dancing,
Dancing... 
Trying to pull off a move,
We never could.
You bend down and kiss me,
And I can see it so clearly,
You're wild eyes are saying,
This is it,
This is it...

So promise me, you'll remember this night,
11 p.m making our own spotlight,
Laughing until both our ribs ache,
I'll never forget the look on your face,
Promise me...
Promise me...

Sunsets, a strong fire in the sky,
You're hand is locked in mine,
I never knew the good kind of hurt,
And it kind of hurt,
The way the fire burned,
We walk down the street,
And I, I can see,
Peach pink rays on my skin,
On my skin...

So promise me, you'll remember this time,
9 p.m, coloring outside the lines,
Laughing, wide eyes glowing bright,
Doing it so  wrong that it just feels right,
Promise me...
Promise me...

See me, red gown,
Hair down,
Because I see you...
I see you...
With your brown eyes,
A thousand favorite times.

 

Falling, falling...

I was afraid to close my eyes,
I was afraid that I would I...
Stop breathing...
The beat of my own heart shook like glass,
Everything made of gold turned to brass,
then spilling colors...

I took one step closer to the stars,
two steps away from my heart,
I marveled in my own mystery,
I only wanted to see what you could see,
In me.

I was afraid to break open my chest,
I was afraid of what could be hiding,
I looked at you and you seemed so calm,
You said "Sometimes the monsters aren't who you think they are."
You leave your own scars.

Long nights that ended too soon,
Everything, all roads led back to you,
Red lips, driving home at one a.m,
You were right about who I am,
Falling, falling to the edge,
Falling, falling like birds in the wind,
Am I crazy for thinking like this?
Sinking ships, yeah, sinking sand,
I sank...
I sank...
I sank...
To let you in.
To let you in... 

 

Glitter

Sitting in rounded porcelain, chest high with water, and Fleetwood Mac playing loudly from my playlist, I stretch my arms, and then my legs, looking at my toes down under the surface. The smell of coconut circulates through the air and the heat blows my home-made curtains on the window. I hold my breath and allow my body to slide down, down, down. My head breaks the surface, a humming fills my ears and I am gone. Energy buzzes, my lungs burn, but I lift my feet and press them down against the top of the tub, anchoring myself to the bottom under the water, under the noise, under the madness.

I watch as bubbles float to the surface and my lungs are screaming frantically. I can still hear the, now a slight hum, of Dreams and I can clearly feel my pulse racing, the blood flowing and pumping through every vein, circulating and feeding my very life. I can hear my heart beating. Beat...beat...beat...beating...

And why? To be a mermaid for a moment. To feel the air held tightly in my lungs, filled to capacity. To test myself, my strength. I do it to feel the world from this other side, to feel myself go crazy and to clear my mind all at the same time. I do it to hear the life in me. To know it's flowing through me still. And I know I'll be okay. I do it to think and to forget. I do it to remember and then release. I do it to renew and come clean again in more ways than one.

And when the burn in my chest is too much to bear. When I can't taste the air on my tongue anymore. When I crave more food for life, I break the surface again. And when I do I gulp in air like it's the only thing in this world that I need. I breathe it in, in such a beautiful, life forming, instinctual way. I inhale and choke. I inhale and need. I inhale and remember. I inhale...
I know I'm alive.

Then I do it again.

And I hear...



"For me, it's the only life that I've ever known
And love is only one, fine star away
Even though the living is sometimes laced with lies
It's alright, feeling remains even after the glitter fades....."

A Sigh of Relief

A Sigh of Relief

When I had this child seven years ago, at 5:10 a.m, I didn't realize at how much laughter was in my future. My entire life, I had never really had any girls in my life, non at least that made me feel like I was an important piece of their life anyway. I was usually the third (or fourth wheel) around other girls, I could never quite make myself care about the stuff they did, and it seemed to me that I was pretty much disposable. And a lot of times, they proved I was. But now, seven years after Jewel has been born, I know that she is the only girl I need in my life. This little one, though so much younger, is my very best friend. We understand each other. We laugh about the same things. We love the same things. And though, just as in any other relationship, we have been frustrated with each other at times, we always end up and hour later writing songs together or singing the Gilmore Girls song (with Jewel swearing "Mommy, we are just like them.") But no, Jewel, we are so much more:)
I have this tendency to associate people with different colors. John is red, like fire and courage. Stevie seems more blue, like the ever changing sky. But Jewel? I could never quite pinpoint. She's iridescent. She's translucent. Yet she's opaque. And, at times, even like a piece of mosaic art. She's a sliver of magic brought to me. As a mother, I selfishly want to keep that magic. I don't want it to slip through my fingers and turn to dust. I don't want the fire of it to burn out. But I am selfish. Because I know that magic should be shared. Jewel's smiles and jokes should be seen and told. Her voice should be heard. Her arms placed around your neck. Because it is an earthly, healing touch. A sigh of relief for the soul. And with Jewel, you are never disposable. You are important. You are gravity. And it feels so good to be someone else s gravity for a change.
Happy Birthday, baby Jewel. I will eternally love you. To the moon, stars, even the milky way, and back. That love, Darling, is infinite. Just like you.

Faithful and Devoted

Timeless and real.
Peace and hopefulness.
Love and security.
Absolution.
Salvation.
Immortality.
Health and vision.
Clarity.
Life.

Everything we want in this world. Everything we all strive to get, hold, and touch. Everything that seems out of our grasp. We run to it, but it seems our tunnel keeps stretching and we have no end in sight. We are lost in darkness. We are chained to the cracked and dirty walls.

But salvation comes.
We see light.
We hear silence and the chatter dissolves around us. It reverberates in our ears and it draws the moisture from our eyes.


Everything we can have through Him.
He is faithful to us and is passionately devoted.
We are his people.
He is the King.
Our Father.
Our God.

He has power over the skies, the waters, the wind, and earth.
He speaks and we tremble.
And how amazing it is, that he is on our side.

Review for Prophecy Revealed (The Soul of Arial #1)

If escaping into this particular book you will enter a world of afterlife like you have never seen it. From fantastic beginning to mind gripping end you will be turning the pages wondering what is going to happen on the next page and then the next chapter and then at the end. Arial's sarcasm is amusing, the Great One's antics are repulsive yet frighteningly funny, and you start wishing that you had a pair of magical wings and beautiful cuffs!

The interactions between the characters flowed naturally and it's just as if you were in the room with them listening to their conversations. The strength and courage that Arial portrays (especially when faced with her need to protect others) is outstanding and is something that we as humans should do daily for each other.

So as the prophecy is revealed I am much looking forward to finding out how exactly this prophecy is handled!

This piece of artwork is highly recommended, and I assure you is a piece that will be remembered and entirely enjoyed. Just be sure you have nothing to do that day. You'll get angry is you have to put it down:)

The link for more information is below!

http://cressenbooks.com/ProphecyRevealedPage.html

Tear Me Down to Build Me Up/ Thoughts And Writing

I was thinking aloud and writing. I hope you enjoy!

But I Am Never Far...

I am timeless.
An old soul that craves conversation and emotion that doesn't involve technology and icons.
I am the lover of flowers and tea out of tea pots on concrete patios with aged round tables.
I am the admirer of gardens and balconies. 
Of stars and sunsets.
I am the reader of solid books. 
The paper aged or fresh, smelling of dreams and faraway places.
I am the girl who runs barefoot in the meadows and splashes in the puddles, wild and careless.
I am the one with her hair filled with tangles and knots but I have better things to do like lay in the sunshine and talk to the birds perched in the trees.
I am the girl with bare fingernails and a fresh face because I'd rather spend my money on something that can fill my soul.
You can find me in thrift stores and at garage sales more than you would a mall. 
When you search for me look in cafe's, coffee shops, tea shops, or anywhere that you can find live music; talking to strangers like I've known them my whole life. I'd be there over a club or popular hangout.
Because I am the girl who would rather listen to someone with their guitar on a small stage working for tips than a spoiled talentless brat who has machines sound good for them on an album.
I am the one who truly is sorry when you feel I am not listening. It's just that my imagination has pulled me into another world once again. 
I do care, I promise.
Please don't shake me awake. Please don't stomp on my visions for the calamity of others. 
Because I am the lover of all things beautiful.
I am the believer of all things good. 
And, no, this does not make me oblivious to the tragedies and messiness of the world we live in. I will be willing to fight for my beliefs when it comes to it. But right now, the time does not call my name. So let me drift. Let me fly. Let me see the potential and colors in others.
Let me see what makes us all so different but yet the same.
Come to me with your problems and I will try to help with my view.
I will be all heart.
In return I ask that you do not suppress and that you do not suffocate.
If I run, let me. I will not go far. And I will always come back.
If I ask you to run with me, please do. I don't ask everyone and I promise I can open up doors.
Because I am the old soul who runs barefoot and lies down in warm summer rains. 
I am the admirer of tea, gardens, and balconies.
I am the one who talks to strangers and is not afraid to dive instead of tip-toe.
I am the lover of flowers and all things timeless.
I am the lover of conversations, family, and friends.
And when I love, I love limitless and deep. I love in acceptance so you can be freed. I love...
I am the hopeful.
I am the faithful.
But please, Dear, be patient with me if I seem far away. I am not. I am only imagining worlds where we both belong as thorough and infinite as the stars I study. 
Know that I will never be far from your side.
  

Sunlight and Tea

It all starts with sunlight and tea.
Colors swirl and blend into something precious and tender.
It begins amazing, like a first kiss or a flicker to a flame and it's as graceful as a ballerina sweeping across a wooden floor in a dance of innocence and magic.
Our life is the dance of all ages.
It's the beat to our drum.
And the magic to the pen that writes our book, chapter by fantastic chapter.
We spin and twirl throughout the day.
We call it monotony.
We call it routine.
We call it anything but what it should be called.
Life.
And we ignore the abundance that overflows.
"My cup overfloweth."
My cup...
Our energies intertwine with other energies and spark off new lights that only our souls can see and our hearts can feel. 
Our eyes are diluted, our senses dulled by words and hate and mockery.
We recall other more beautiful words that make us feel better.
The ones that make us feel alive and freed from any bonds or chains that we have set upon ourselves.
You are beautiful.
You are a mess.
You are so unique. A one of a kind.
You are a tragedy.
You are a kaleidoscope of every human emotion. Every extraordinary experience. 
We search for these letters of meaning because when we look in the mirror we see anything but meaning.
We see recklessness.
We see a smudge of grays blended into a fog.
But it all starts with sunlight and tea.
And some of the most important things that we'll never be able to see in ourselves.
It begins amazing, like a first kiss or a flicker to a flame.
And it ends with moon glow and streetlights.
Our life is the dance of all ages.
It's the beat to our own drum.
It's wild and childlike.
And each chapter we write is permanent. Neither time nor want can erase it from the pages. It cannot be burned or destroyed. That's the magic in the ink. 
That's the timelessness in our souls.
Just as some rob others of theirs we can give to others this thing that we call monotony or routine.
Life. 
That's what it's called.
And it's so beautiful.
Just so in the tragedy of it all as it is in the wonderous dance of it all.
And "My cup overfloweth" Dear Lord. 
My cup...
I am beautiful.
I am a mess.
I am as different as the thorn from the rose.
And I am even a tragedy.
Because I am a kaleidoscope of every human emotion. 
Raw and real and filled to the brim with stardust and pure magic.
And it all starts with sunlight and tea.

Amen

I could be lonely. I could be selfish, and maybe I am. I could be blind. Maybe I'm shaded. I could be the cynical, the hateful and hated.  But I choose love for those who also choose love. Love for each other and the underdog. Love for those losing the battle and who needs a friend to help them fight despite the odds. Love for the war torn country that stands for everything that I believe in. And I love those who love them as well.

I have been blessed in this life with every throbbing beat of my heart and every drop of red that pumps through my veins. I have been given people to love, and so many of them. And I love them all in all different shades and colors of what love can be or mean. I love them without measurement or definition. I love them with the speed of light and sound combined. I love so many that my prayers at night would be hours long if I were to name them with all that they need. And that is blessed, my friend.

Lord God, our Father in heaven,

I pray for protection and safety over my family and all who I hold dear to me. I pray that you heal them in their own individual ways that only you can know of. I pray that you strip them of any illness and make them whole and new. I pray that you give them strength and courage to make the right decisions even if they are tough and mean sacrifice. I pray, Lord, that you help them accomplish what they think to be impossible and that you find a way to let them know that you are always, always with them. That they are never alone, even when they feel like the only one left in the world. I pray that they prosper and persevere and love so flawlessly and unconditionally. I pray they find it in them to always plant their feet firmly on the ground in the morning and that you take away any of their pain. I pray that they know the dawn, orange-bruised sunset, and sparkling shining stars and hold them forever and well in their minds eye, heart and soul. I pray that they hold everything dear to them in places that no man can touch or take away. And finally, we love you, and I pray that you love us the same despite, our let downs, weaknesses, and perfect imperfections. We will never be you or be on your level, but we are loved by you nonetheless and hope that you know, KNOW, that we are grateful. And we know as long as we have our faith, and as long as we hold our hope nothing can really hurt us and we will be okay. We will be just fine. And, God, I pray for a little of the same. Thank you for your blessings and for hearing my prayer.

In your name, I pray this...
Amen.

You. Just Hold On

Let me tell a story.

This is a hard story for me to tell. It's definitely not one I would share to just anyone over a nice dinner. In fact, as I sit and write this, I'm second guessing myself, wondering if I should push that backspace button. Why? Because a very prideful part of me is ashamed, even though I know that I shouldn't be. A very fearful part of me is scared, for so many reasons and none at all.

Once, there was this girl. She was sixteen and curled up at the end of her bed on her bedroom floor. In one hand she clutched a phone as the other hand was balled up at her side. The girls rope lights that hung along her ceiling over her scattered artwork of pieced together posters and magazine clippings shined brightly in gold just as they always did because she was scared to turn them off. She was frightened of what it would feel like in the dark, and she can't remember the last time she slept in it. To her left The Eagles played on her CD player and the blankets and sheets were tossed about, falling haphazardly off of her bed.

This sixteen year old girl, this being who had barely had any time to really live, was drowning. The sea roared in her ears and tugged at her spirit and suffocated her fire. She was a beautiful, respectable, perfectly well- consumed, and remarkable train wreck. She was a ship set on self destruct and a toy in an army of fools. She was a small, yet desirable piece to a wicked set of games, and a empathetic, sensitive piece of a soul that always felt just a little too much and always fell a little too hard. And this girl wasn't even crying. She was sobbing. She wasn't hurt. She was crushed into dust, left to be stepped on. She hadn't just lost a piece of herself and had simply and poetically fallen apart. She was broken into tiny, glittering fragments. And she wasn't just missing something. She was undeniably hollow inside.

She had wondered if anyone would ever miss her as much as she would miss them. Would anyone love her even more than she could ever imagine? Would anyone in this world ever see her? Understand her? Could there ever be anyone to piece her together instead of tear her apart? She felt a pain so real to her at the time, she would do anything to make it stop. And her mind wondered to the darkest parts, the pits that only slide into deeper valleys and trenches. And in these trenches she wondered to herself to what extent would she go to make it all go away.

All because of a boy. A useless, selfish boy that would never know any better, who would never do any better. A boy who cared so little that he didn't even feel when he left a trail of pitiful destruction in his wake. He was a tornado and she was a tree. He was water and she was fire. He was the wolf and she was the mindless sheep. At the time she didn't know this. She didn't know about another more important man that she would meet in less than two years. She didn't know that he would look at her in a way where it felt the world shifted and that she mattered. She didn't know that the smell of leather would become one of her favorite scents and that she would love frosty starlit nights. She didn't know that she would marry this man who was, at the time, in Germany. She didn't know that so many others things would matter and that she would eventually not even be able to recall what that boy really even looked like. She didn't know that over time his face would fade from her memory and that she would never in a million years connect him with the word love. But she should have known. She should have.

I remember this night so clearly. Because I was that sixteen year old girl. It's not because this was my only bad night, because in the course of that toxic relationship I had a lot, A LOT, of bad nights. And it's not because this night really held any kind of epiphany or self revelation for me. In fact, I often wondered why this night has always been held so vividly in my mind. And I think it's because it's the lowest I had been. At such a tender age I had hit rock bottom and went even further down to sink into the black abyss. At only sixteen!

So here's my point. And this is why I am telling this story that may not even matter to some.

It's because I was at such a pivotal time in my life right then. Anything could have tugged me off of one side or the other. Any trivial thing could have swayed me. And that can be scary. In hindsight I don't believe that I would have done anything so permanent and impulsive, but just simply how sad and alone I had felt that night was enough.

But I pressed on and I survived. I saw the sunrise and another sunset and the twinkling of the white light stars. And because of that it all passed. Everything from that night went away and I shed it like a layer of dead skin. And when I awoke I was new again. The day was new again. And I could do anything that I wanted with it. And now, here I am, almost twelve years later, married to that guy who sees me, who loves me, who is loyal to me, who gave me a new appreciation for the smell of leather and frosty starlit nights. And I don't even remember that boy. Because he never mattered in the grand scheme of things. And what has never mattered can be just simply washed away. Clean the slate. Start fresh. Wipe all of the dirtiness of that past self's existence away. Come to terms with your scars, fresh and raw, and then allow them to heal and shine. Don't hide them. Don't be ashamed of them. Because they are your story. They are what make you , you. And they are proof that you've made it through your own personal hells and came out a freaking warrior.

Now? Now I am listening to my eight year old son and six year old daughter play, and then fight, and then play, and then fight in the next room. And that is okay. Because this is what I wanted! This is what I've been blessed with! This is what is in my cards and what I have wanted all along! And the only thing that matters at the end of the day are their pitter patter of footsteps running down the hall, and the two of them talking at bedtime when they are supposed to be asleep, and their bedtime prayer and song, and how they are all of a sudden thirsty when they are curled up under the covers instead of before they climb into bed.What matters at the end of the day is the kiss I get from my husband, our string of shows that we watch loyally every single week and laugh about, the tea that I make us and how I can't put the fitted sheet on our bed so he does it for me.

So what I'm trying to say is, is it all gets better. You, that sixteen year old who stumbled across this. It gets so much better! You are not even close to the peak of the best years of your life. Don't give another thought about that boy that hurt you, or that rumor that was spread, or what people think of you. Move along! Open a new door if one has been slammed on you. There are so many doors out there. Thank God for your opportunities because he's the reason that you have them! Take them and hold on to them for all that you are worth, because you are worth a whole hell of a lot.

This isn't coming from some girl a decade older than you that "thinks" that they understand you, or "thinks" that they have been there. I'm telling you. I HAVE been there. I HAVE had my heart shatter, rumors spread about me, and my blood spilled. I have been worried over and have done the worrying. I have been to therapy and have made tons of mistakes. And I will STILL tell you. It. Gets. Better. It gets...heavenly.

Trust me. This stranger telling you this. Because one day, when you do pull through, and you are content and happy and filled to the top with laughter and love, you will remember this. And you'll finally realize that I was right.

So hold on. Hold on damn tight. And  wait for it. Wait patiently. Because in the end, it will all be worth it.

Thank you: A Trip In The Life of...

I will be the first to say that I was a teenager that I hope and pray my daughter will not become. I was a roiling pain in the ass with an attitude and temper so flaring I wonder how I didn't run everyone I love away. I embarrass myself of decisions that I had made, things that I have done even though I would never take them back because it has allowed me to develop into the person I am today. It has given me wisdom and experience and a new-found appreciation for everything that I have.

Come on, everyone knows it, when you are 14 you start to notice boys. You want to be older, braver, sexier and you think you are so damn smart. And then 15 rolls around and you have just come to the conclusion throughout that year you've become a genius! You have self pronounced yourself as queen and everyone should just bow down to you and do as you damn well wish and if they don't you will throw a tantrum (which isn't really adult like in hindsight.) And then, oh!, that 16th year! You are dating boys that your parents hate and swear that you are in love, but yet you are so confused because, yeah, you notice this other boy over there. Well, hell, maybe you're in love with him too! Because, yeah, we all know that always happens. See me internally laugh right now. Because as we all know, you get older, and when you finally fall in love, like deep down in the rabbit hole I am mad kind of love, it's with only one person. And we don't give a shit about the guy across the street. 

Anyways, I guess my point is, is that at this specific time, you know, you're 16th ish year, you feel so misunderstood. And you feel that the one person that probably understands you less than anyone in this world is your mother. Yes! Your mother. The mom that you had resided in for 9 months, bathed in her heartbeat, and had been lulled by lullabies even at that premature stage in your life. The mom that willingly went through the pain that equalized around 12 fractured ribs at once,and the one person that risked every second of their life just to protect you. The mom that gave her food to you just because she wanted you to eat even if meant that she wouldn't. The mom who shared her drinks and didn't say a word about your toddler slobber dripping back into her cup. The mom that cleaned up your vomit and slept in the chair beside you all night and insisted that you weren't dying when you said you were going to write a will even though you had nothing but a used up stereo, Pat Benatar CD and cucumber melon body spray to give away. The mom that has cried when you weren't looking, who never told you how much your words had ever hurt you, who showed you how much your pathetic song or home-made card was actually worth to her, who wrote you secret notes and stuck them in a box under her bed, and who prayed for nothing but your complete safety and happiness every single night. The mom who lost sleep and weight and most of her sanity to ensure your happiness, survival, and livelihood. The mother who went to every one of your choir concerts even though she was sick and running a fever. The mother who used rent or food money to get you a particular prom dress that you had your eye on, and then shoes and make-up afterward! The mom who would take you window shopping and out for pizza and maybe even buy you something despite the fact that she found something that she liked right before you pointed out this "amazing shirt" so she got that instead. The amazing person who is probably the only one in this world who will ever really truly understand who you are down to your core. At 16 she doesn't understand you. But at 27 you know that she is and was the only one who really ever did.

I understand now, and appreciate, and almost even cry over the sacrifice, the patience, the sincerity, and the hardship of this kind of love. I don't know if I understand it more now because I am a mother myself or if it's just because I simply got older. But either way, I get it now, mom. I understand. I know. And I thank you.

And to any 14, 15, or 16 year old reading this. You will understand someday too. That boy right now doesn't matter, even though you'll read this and say "yes he does!" That shirt, those shoes, that friend, and that new movie that you want to see without your mom tagging along doesn't matter. But that angel watching over you even when you don't know sure in the hell does. Yes, you are getting older, and yes, you are getting smarter, no, you are still not queen. But remember, as you are getting older so is your mother. And even though this may be disturbing to her, it is also terrifying and amazing all at once to her to see you getting older as well. Older and beautiful and more independent by each passing day.One day you won't need her, and it will kill her inside, but she will sit in silence as long as you are happy. Just remember, you may not think that she understands but she does. And she will not judge you. She will not hurt you or say nasty things to or about you. She will love you and help you and hold you. No. Matter. What.

My mom has taught me so much in my 27 years so far. So much that I didn't even really pick up on at the time that I think about now. Here's 27. One for each year!

1: How it's okay to be different.
2: Always stand your ground. It keeps you fighting for something.And fighting, well, you know you're still alive. It gives you purpose.
3: If you don't know your purpose, don't stop looking until you find it.
4: Be the voice for the voiceless.
5: Different isn't always so different from you.
6: Keep an open mind. 
7: Because people who judge are assholes.
8: You won't go straight to hell for something as simple as making some mistakes and, you know, living.
9: Just take the criticism.
10: Don't start a fight, but finish it.
11: People suck sometimes. They just do.
12: Calm down. You're not going to die.
13: Blackberries are amazing.
14: And so is peach cobbler.
15: Be happy with who you are.
16: Not everyone is good at the same thing.
17: Ghostee movies are great!
18: I really am your best friend in disguise.
19: Experience in all music genres is "A" okay!
20: Sacrifice. Simply.
21: Even though you're 27 I will still buy you things because I can.
22: You're mom telling you it's okay is really sometimes all you need to hear.
23: She's usually right.
24: What being happy for someone else really means.
25: Love someone despite their hair color, lifestyle, or how many tattoos they have.
26: You can't live without tea.
27: You are not crazy.

I love you, mom, and I'm glad that we are a part of each other. Here's a song for you, and even for my own ragamuffins <3

Jess

 

Gravity

Once upon a time, a long time ago people wanted and craved the attention of other individuals. They wanted someone to rely on. To notice them. They wanted to be touched and loved and they wanted to revel in it like it was the only piece of good they had in their lives, the only form of light through all the darkness.

Over time fantasies had shifted, story book hero's have been proven to be liars, statues have cracked and faded, and so has our thoughts, timeless as they may be. Our choice preferences, and our image has simply changed. Fairy tales have disappeared and are deemed childish and immature and holding onto the idea of someone special is wrong.

The thing is, is everything needs balance. It's a laws of physics! It states that in the law of physics when it comes to balance, if all forces push in on a single object, it will not move. It will not accelerate. It reaches equilibrium. It takes two forces to balance. Two. Gravity and earth.

My point? If it's just us, alone, roaming freely, wild, untamed, what is keeping us on the ground? What is keeping us safe and smart? What is keeping us grounded to what we are? Where we are. Maybe the point is, is to find someone to ground you. Maybe we should try to find someone to help us reach our equilibrium, our own state of balance and gravity. If you're messy, maybe they'll be neat. If you are wild, maybe they are tame. If you wake early, just maybe they sleep late. See what I'm saying?

I've just been thinking, that one of the most peaceful, comfortable things in my life is my own grounding. I feel as if my feet are rooted into this earth. Nothing can take me away unless I choose it. I'm not just floating and drifting like used up trash. I'm here. I am standing, despite everything that I have been through. I am alive! I am strong. I exist. I am...grounded. I just simply am. And when I feel like I am about to fly away. When I feel like it's all closing in. I just think of my feet and where I stand, what I believe in, and all of the many things that I am. I think of my energy, like electricity through my veins, reverberating and healing, glowing brightly like fire. I think. I feel. 

My better half is more rational where as I am at times an irrational over thinker. He is a late sleeper when I'm starting to really like the mornings. He is a procrastinator when I am a doer. He is black and white and I am gray. He is coffee and I am tea. I am rain and he is sunshine. He is almost everything that I am not and I love him entirely. All of him. The wholeness of him. He is my equilibrium. He is the form of my roots. My own personal gravity. My much needed balance in life.

From my own personal experience, loving someone doesn't cage you. It frees you in ways that you've never known. It doesn't stop you. It encourages you. And you can still go where you want, do what you want. You just have someone amazing to do them with. And if your balance is just that good? You will never drift away:) 

Infinite and Real

We all know that it happens. We think too much about our current problems for the day. We concentrate too much on the petty arguments and impasses to realize for just a moment how much the person that you are arguing with means to you. And then we sit back and daydream and think and turn it around in ours heads everything that we would like to say to that person. We think about every little detail that drives us crazy in the best and most spectacular ways. But we never say it. We never express it. We say that we love but we never fully commit to the feeling. We never allow ourselves to be consumed in it, taking life and absorbing into our weak bones and brittle parts. But we need to. We need to allow ourselves to crack open so a little bit of light can come in and heal and mend. So we can find out what we are really missing and experience it in all it's strength and beauty for the first time. I want to tell the people that I love, that I love them. I want to tell them how beautiful they are to me and how much they make my life really count. The stars could cease, the air turn to dust, and gravity lift but they will always, still, anchor my feet to the ground. They are my stars, my moon, my pathway around the sky and through this life. They are my breath of stardust, life, and magic and the gravity that keeps me firmly rooted.

And I want the same. Don't wait for me to go. Don't wait for our hands to part. I want to know how you feel now when it really matters. When this moment is all that counts. Don't wait to utter it into the air or scream it to a wall. Take hold. We are in this together. We are tied and bonded. We are infinite and real. For now? For eternity? For our passage through space and time. Tell me you love me. And tell me that you have felt my own love to your very core all along the way. Tell me that this is all what it seems and that we are alive and full of promises and color. I want to hear it now. Don't wait for it all to end. Because I love you. You matter. It matters. And we're here. Tell me that this is all what it seems and that we are alive and full of promises and color. I want to hear it now. Don't wait for it all to end. Because I love you. You matter. It matters. And we're here.

We are connected. We are real. We are a masterpiece. We are in this moment. And I love you.