Come on, everyone knows it, when you are 14 you start to notice boys. You want to be older, braver, sexier and you think you are so damn smart. And then 15 rolls around and you have just come to the conclusion throughout that year you've become a genius! You have self pronounced yourself as queen and everyone should just bow down to you and do as you damn well wish and if they don't you will throw a tantrum (which isn't really adult like in hindsight.) And then, oh!, that 16th year! You are dating boys that your parents hate and swear that you are in love, but yet you are so confused because, yeah, you notice this other boy over there. Well, hell, maybe you're in love with him too! Because, yeah, we all know that always happens. See me internally laugh right now. Because as we all know, you get older, and when you finally fall in love, like deep down in the rabbit hole I am mad kind of love, it's with only one person. And we don't give a shit about the guy across the street.
Anyways, I guess my point is, is that at this specific time, you know, you're 16th ish year, you feel so misunderstood. And you feel that the one person that probably understands you less than anyone in this world is your mother. Yes! Your mother. The mom that you had resided in for 9 months, bathed in her heartbeat, and had been lulled by lullabies even at that premature stage in your life. The mom that willingly went through the pain that equalized around 12 fractured ribs at once,and the one person that risked every second of their life just to protect you. The mom that gave her food to you just because she wanted you to eat even if meant that she wouldn't. The mom who shared her drinks and didn't say a word about your toddler slobber dripping back into her cup. The mom that cleaned up your vomit and slept in the chair beside you all night and insisted that you weren't dying when you said you were going to write a will even though you had nothing but a used up stereo, Pat Benatar CD and cucumber melon body spray to give away. The mom that has cried when you weren't looking, who never told you how much your words had ever hurt you, who showed you how much your pathetic song or home-made card was actually worth to her, who wrote you secret notes and stuck them in a box under her bed, and who prayed for nothing but your complete safety and happiness every single night. The mom who lost sleep and weight and most of her sanity to ensure your happiness, survival, and livelihood. The mother who went to every one of your choir concerts even though she was sick and running a fever. The mother who used rent or food money to get you a particular prom dress that you had your eye on, and then shoes and make-up afterward! The mom who would take you window shopping and out for pizza and maybe even buy you something despite the fact that she found something that she liked right before you pointed out this "amazing shirt" so she got that instead. The amazing person who is probably the only one in this world who will ever really truly understand who you are down to your core. At 16 she doesn't understand you. But at 27 you know that she is and was the only one who really ever did.
I understand now, and appreciate, and almost even cry over the sacrifice, the patience, the sincerity, and the hardship of this kind of love. I don't know if I understand it more now because I am a mother myself or if it's just because I simply got older. But either way, I get it now, mom. I understand. I know. And I thank you.
And to any 14, 15, or 16 year old reading this. You will understand someday too. That boy right now doesn't matter, even though you'll read this and say "yes he does!" That shirt, those shoes, that friend, and that new movie that you want to see without your mom tagging along doesn't matter. But that angel watching over you even when you don't know sure in the hell does. Yes, you are getting older, and yes, you are getting smarter, no, you are still not queen. But remember, as you are getting older so is your mother. And even though this may be disturbing to her, it is also terrifying and amazing all at once to her to see you getting older as well. Older and beautiful and more independent by each passing day.One day you won't need her, and it will kill her inside, but she will sit in silence as long as you are happy. Just remember, you may not think that she understands but she does. And she will not judge you. She will not hurt you or say nasty things to or about you. She will love you and help you and hold you. No. Matter. What.
My mom has taught me so much in my 27 years so far. So much that I didn't even really pick up on at the time that I think about now. Here's 27. One for each year!
1: How it's okay to be different.
2: Always stand your ground. It keeps you fighting for something.And fighting, well, you know you're still alive. It gives you purpose.
3: If you don't know your purpose, don't stop looking until you find it.
4: Be the voice for the voiceless.
5: Different isn't always so different from you.
6: Keep an open mind.
7: Because people who judge are assholes.
8: You won't go straight to hell for something as simple as making some mistakes and, you know, living.
9: Just take the criticism.
10: Don't start a fight, but finish it.
11: People suck sometimes. They just do.
12: Calm down. You're not going to die.
13: Blackberries are amazing.
14: And so is peach cobbler.
15: Be happy with who you are.
16: Not everyone is good at the same thing.
17: Ghostee movies are great!
18: I really am your best friend in disguise.
19: Experience in all music genres is "A" okay!
20: Sacrifice. Simply.
21: Even though you're 27 I will still buy you things because I can.
22: You're mom telling you it's okay is really sometimes all you need to hear.
23: She's usually right.
24: What being happy for someone else really means.
25: Love someone despite their hair color, lifestyle, or how many tattoos they have.
26: You can't live without tea.
27: You are not crazy.
I love you, mom, and I'm glad that we are a part of each other. Here's a song for you, and even for my own ragamuffins <3
Jess
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