To you,
I already know I will never allow you to read this. This will be another letter stashed in a box underneath the bed, or on a high shelf, because that's where most of my feelings have belonged for so long now. It keeps peace. It strains hope. It feeds frustration. But it is what it is.
You. You left me feeling self-exposed and raw. All I ever really wanted from you was to feel the same. I wanted to know that I shined too. Maybe not as bright and maybe even in a different colored light. But just the same, I just wanted to know that I had a light. I wanted to know that you haven't taken that away from me. That this world hasn't taken that away from me. I wanted to keep it safe. Protected. Away from all of them.
I didn't want to step into her shoes, even for a second, because it still wouldn't have been me. None of it would have mattered or counted at all. And what's the point in that? Instead I just wanted to know what it felt like to be cherished and treasured by you. Important even. I wanted to know what it felt like to be held high. I had tried so hard for so many years, through the passages of time, to give you something that you never gave me.
Human need. Human tears. Raptured and unnoticed. Unreciprocated love and we still just keep on trying don't we? The funny thing about it all is, just like you never bothered with my tears, you have never bothered with hers either. I guess we are the same in some way. Never much in any other. Has she forgiven you? Your problems always seemed to matter more. All of your feelings seemed to have hurt worse. And still, you continually do EXACTLY what you say that you hate. You do EXACTLY what you cry about. All the time.
I love you. I love you, but the love is not pure. It's mixed with bitterness and self pity. And I can't even say anything because I am reduced to a whining child crying for her Mommy. I sound like an animal in a cage. And maybe I am like that animal. Full of rage and loyalty. My bones ache. My muscles are sore, tight and on edge. But as it is we are all sewn together with sinew and bone. Sometimes our blood boils. Sometimes it turns into ice or lead in our veins. Sometimes a weight drops and our heart seems as hard as a stone.
Sometimes I cry on songs that remind me of you, and not because they remind me of you, but because I wish they didn't. Or sometimes because I wished that they did. But it's okay. It's all going to be okay. Maybe one day I will know how she feels on bright, special days. Maybe one day I will know how it feels to make you so proud. But until then, the world will spin, and so will I with it. The sun will shine on my shoulders, I will breathe in fresh, clean air. And I will heal, and love, and laugh until it hurts. And I will try not to think about what is so wrong between us. And above all, I will continue to shine in a light that is so magical, but yet so invisible to you.
Love,
Jess
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