Life. Visions. Seasons

The Simple Release

I haven't written in a while. I've been sitting, stagnant, unrelenting--- waterlogged. I've been just about as steady as dry sand in hurricane winds. But I think a lot. Quite a lot, actually. The words just never reach fingertip, which in turn, never reaches pen or page.

I've been thinking a lot about what's between dust and dust. I mean the present and now. Paused and eternal. fleeting and escapable all at the same impossible time. I've been dreaming of revelations and how to get there. What roads do I have to cross, people I have to hurt, tides I have to succumb to? And I've been widely seeking earth rattling visions.

I have realized that all the while, as this world passes and passes, as we are but a blink in the continuous space of time and reason, I have been dying to become all the while dying to be here. I've been dying--- and living all at the same breath taking time to the beat, that very same beat, that the rest of the world hears even if they never admit it.

Even if they will never know it.

I've been reading quotes and quotes and quotes and quotes and...

Reading, finding pieces of myself in another's thoughts and insights. In another's revelations that I thought were once my own. Reading---and knowing---that I am never alone.

Most importantly I have been feeling, acknowledging, and listening to the tugs, pulls, and cries of my very soul. It acts as if it tries to detach for only a moment. Oh, if only for just one, singular, solitaire moment to bow at the feet of it's Creator. For the soul, it will forever remember another time. A time before time that the world has erased from my mind and body.

But the soul knows. It knows the truth. It knows nothing but the light of it. The truth of ourselves, our God, the secrets of the universe that has been whispered inside of it. The truth is inside of us. Always. And it knows.

I cry with it's cries, my body selfishly tugging back.

Please. Please. Stay.

Tell me you listen to your souls. Tell me stories of commonalities and childhood games when everything was easier. Tell me they remember what this world wants us to forget. What society tells us doesn't matter anymore. What materialism and consumerism tells us that we don't really need in our lives. Wake up! Wake up. I dare you...

Tell me you recall the days.

For we are all in this together. Perfectly imperfect and not always fitting in. But that is okay. Every fiber, every shred of dignity, every heartbeat tells me that it's okay. Every human being from every single continent, every animal from the elephant to the whale, the wolf to the bear, all the way down to the smallest kitten that depends on bigger and better things than itself is connected and here and alive.

If you would just listen to the stillness and wonder for only a moment. If you would just hear what your soul is fighting daily to say. If we would just remember it would be so much easier to forget. Forgetting the things that never, really, ever even mattered anyways.

Surrender...

It's liberating and freeing. That one, dear, simple release.

We owe ourselves that.

Promise Me

Red gown in my bedroom,
Hair down, dancing,
Dancing... 
Trying to pull off a move,
We never could.
You bend down and kiss me,
And I can see it so clearly,
You're wild eyes are saying,
This is it,
This is it...

So promise me, you'll remember this night,
11 p.m making our own spotlight,
Laughing until both our ribs ache,
I'll never forget the look on your face,
Promise me...
Promise me...

Sunsets, a strong fire in the sky,
You're hand is locked in mine,
I never knew the good kind of hurt,
And it kind of hurt,
The way the fire burned,
We walk down the street,
And I, I can see,
Peach pink rays on my skin,
On my skin...

So promise me, you'll remember this time,
9 p.m, coloring outside the lines,
Laughing, wide eyes glowing bright,
Doing it so  wrong that it just feels right,
Promise me...
Promise me...

See me, red gown,
Hair down,
Because I see you...
I see you...
With your brown eyes,
A thousand favorite times.

 

Falling, falling...

I was afraid to close my eyes,
I was afraid that I would I...
Stop breathing...
The beat of my own heart shook like glass,
Everything made of gold turned to brass,
then spilling colors...

I took one step closer to the stars,
two steps away from my heart,
I marveled in my own mystery,
I only wanted to see what you could see,
In me.

I was afraid to break open my chest,
I was afraid of what could be hiding,
I looked at you and you seemed so calm,
You said "Sometimes the monsters aren't who you think they are."
You leave your own scars.

Long nights that ended too soon,
Everything, all roads led back to you,
Red lips, driving home at one a.m,
You were right about who I am,
Falling, falling to the edge,
Falling, falling like birds in the wind,
Am I crazy for thinking like this?
Sinking ships, yeah, sinking sand,
I sank...
I sank...
I sank...
To let you in.
To let you in... 

 

Glitter

Sitting in rounded porcelain, chest high with water, and Fleetwood Mac playing loudly from my playlist, I stretch my arms, and then my legs, looking at my toes down under the surface. The smell of coconut circulates through the air and the heat blows my home-made curtains on the window. I hold my breath and allow my body to slide down, down, down. My head breaks the surface, a humming fills my ears and I am gone. Energy buzzes, my lungs burn, but I lift my feet and press them down against the top of the tub, anchoring myself to the bottom under the water, under the noise, under the madness.

I watch as bubbles float to the surface and my lungs are screaming frantically. I can still hear the, now a slight hum, of Dreams and I can clearly feel my pulse racing, the blood flowing and pumping through every vein, circulating and feeding my very life. I can hear my heart beating. Beat...beat...beat...beating...

And why? To be a mermaid for a moment. To feel the air held tightly in my lungs, filled to capacity. To test myself, my strength. I do it to feel the world from this other side, to feel myself go crazy and to clear my mind all at the same time. I do it to hear the life in me. To know it's flowing through me still. And I know I'll be okay. I do it to think and to forget. I do it to remember and then release. I do it to renew and come clean again in more ways than one.

And when the burn in my chest is too much to bear. When I can't taste the air on my tongue anymore. When I crave more food for life, I break the surface again. And when I do I gulp in air like it's the only thing in this world that I need. I breathe it in, in such a beautiful, life forming, instinctual way. I inhale and choke. I inhale and need. I inhale and remember. I inhale...
I know I'm alive.

Then I do it again.

And I hear...



"For me, it's the only life that I've ever known
And love is only one, fine star away
Even though the living is sometimes laced with lies
It's alright, feeling remains even after the glitter fades....."

A Sigh of Relief

A Sigh of Relief

When I had this child seven years ago, at 5:10 a.m, I didn't realize at how much laughter was in my future. My entire life, I had never really had any girls in my life, non at least that made me feel like I was an important piece of their life anyway. I was usually the third (or fourth wheel) around other girls, I could never quite make myself care about the stuff they did, and it seemed to me that I was pretty much disposable. And a lot of times, they proved I was. But now, seven years after Jewel has been born, I know that she is the only girl I need in my life. This little one, though so much younger, is my very best friend. We understand each other. We laugh about the same things. We love the same things. And though, just as in any other relationship, we have been frustrated with each other at times, we always end up and hour later writing songs together or singing the Gilmore Girls song (with Jewel swearing "Mommy, we are just like them.") But no, Jewel, we are so much more:)
I have this tendency to associate people with different colors. John is red, like fire and courage. Stevie seems more blue, like the ever changing sky. But Jewel? I could never quite pinpoint. She's iridescent. She's translucent. Yet she's opaque. And, at times, even like a piece of mosaic art. She's a sliver of magic brought to me. As a mother, I selfishly want to keep that magic. I don't want it to slip through my fingers and turn to dust. I don't want the fire of it to burn out. But I am selfish. Because I know that magic should be shared. Jewel's smiles and jokes should be seen and told. Her voice should be heard. Her arms placed around your neck. Because it is an earthly, healing touch. A sigh of relief for the soul. And with Jewel, you are never disposable. You are important. You are gravity. And it feels so good to be someone else s gravity for a change.
Happy Birthday, baby Jewel. I will eternally love you. To the moon, stars, even the milky way, and back. That love, Darling, is infinite. Just like you.

Faithful and Devoted

Timeless and real.
Peace and hopefulness.
Love and security.
Absolution.
Salvation.
Immortality.
Health and vision.
Clarity.
Life.

Everything we want in this world. Everything we all strive to get, hold, and touch. Everything that seems out of our grasp. We run to it, but it seems our tunnel keeps stretching and we have no end in sight. We are lost in darkness. We are chained to the cracked and dirty walls.

But salvation comes.
We see light.
We hear silence and the chatter dissolves around us. It reverberates in our ears and it draws the moisture from our eyes.


Everything we can have through Him.
He is faithful to us and is passionately devoted.
We are his people.
He is the King.
Our Father.
Our God.

He has power over the skies, the waters, the wind, and earth.
He speaks and we tremble.
And how amazing it is, that he is on our side.